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10-03-2008, 02:44 AM
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New Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Posts: 38
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I like doing a wide variety of things, from music, to writing, to drawing/painting/etc. I have decided to start sharing it with others and get some feedback to help me improve.
So in doing so, I thought I would share something with you guys I wrote today. It is by no means the final draft but I think its not terrible for an early version. Obviously it is about smoking, and any feedback would be appreciated. Expanding upward through the air Wispy and dissipating as she dances higher As I exhale I can feel the gift she bestows upon me Leaving her essence for all to enjoy Each time is as different as it is the same As if sight and sound are experienced for the first time Colors so vivid it seems like a dream Music engulfing me, taking me to a higher plane As I ride her peak I realize what perfection is Pulling me inward, finally care and judgment free Taking away the pain of this physical existence Gently setting me back down, she beckons me again I know its not the greatest thing ever, but I'm still perfecting my writing. Hope someone digs it. Peace and love y'all. |
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10-03-2008, 02:56 AM
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Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 3,534
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my only feedback is....
I dig it!  Thanks for sharing 
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10-03-2008, 01:04 PM
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420 Member
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Wow! Nice!
Reading it I became more aware of my breathing. Weird. Thanks for sharing! Akorn 
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12-16-2008, 10:51 PM
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420 Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: IN MY GROWROOM
Posts: 888
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good job man... do more and fly em in......peice........
 this smokes on me........... 
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12-22-2008, 06:03 AM
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420 Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Alaska
Posts: 1,225
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Nicely done. If you would like a little help with style and lyrical quality, I googled "how to write poems" and I got some great info. Although lots of great writers dont always follow the guidelines, I found the info to be helpful to me. Perhaps it may help you also. I especially liked an article I found on organizing your thoughts on paper, about the subject your thinking about. It helped me to remember the lines I was thinking up in my head and my pencil couldnt keep up with my brain! lol
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12-22-2008, 07:27 AM
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420 Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: The Great Northern Forest
Posts: 445
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I think it's good .
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Where there is secrecy, there is no truth; Where there is no truth , there is no justice ; Where there is no justice, there is no freedom. Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human liberty ; It is the arguement of tyrants : It is the creed of slaves. |
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weed never hurt anybody 
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