Fun With Officer Dick

Auggie

Well-Known Member
In California the police are allowed to set up road blocks and question citizens for no reason. It is being done under the guise of stopping drunk or impaired drivers.

About two months ago, I had an interesting police encounter. I post it here for the reader's amusement and if you wish, comment.

I was on my way home from the office. I worked late for a major project that was due. It was about 7pm. I am almost home, like six blocks . . . and up ahead in the distance I see a shimmering light (no, not Hotel California). It is one of those drunk checkpoints. I really didn't want to deal with that shit; I was tired and cranky and . . . fuck.

So, they flag me in. I pull about half way into the funnel. They got one guy walking a line on the sidewalk. Policeman number 1 walks up the window and says "Hi. How are you today?" Not wanting to engage in small talk, I say, "Why did you stop me officer?" From there the conversation is like this.

C1 (cop one): This is a sobriety check point sir. I need to know where you are coming from and where you are going to.
Me: So, you had no reason to stop me? Am I under arrest?
C1: No. Of course not.
Me: Then I will be on my way.
C1: I am detaining you, this is legal.
Me.: Ok. Well, I am not going to answer any of your questions unless I have an attorney present.
C1: Have you been drinking today sir?
Me: I am not going to answer any of your questions without an attorney present.
C1: Please turn off the car, and step out sir.
Me: Why are you harassing me? What did I do?
C1 spends a lot of time explaining that Supreme Court decisions make these kind of stops legal. I ask enough questions to keep him going, I'm very interested. C1 talks, I listen and ask a question every once in a while.

At this point, another cop walks over. He has a few hash marks on his sleeve, a little more experienced I guess. I will call him C2.

C2: (to C1): What's the holdup?
C1: (to C2): Mr. Smith here (handing my drivers license, proof of insurance and registration to C2) isn't very cooperative.
Me: I am too. I will follow all of your lawful instructions. What do you want me to do?
C2: (elbowing C1 out of the way) Would you step out of the car, Mr. Smith.
Me: You do not have my permission to search the car or my person.
C2: Noted. Now please step out of the car.
Me: Sure.
I take the keys out of the ignition, put them on the passenger seat open the door. As I get out I hit the lock button on the door and close the door. Now the car is locked, and the keys are inside.
C2: Why did you lock the car?
Me: Oh, I dunno. Just habit I guess.
C2: Unlock the car sir.
Me: You do not have my permission to search the car, officer.
C2: I heard you the first time, sir. Unlock the car.
Me: (Looking shocked, and pointing to the keys in the passenger seat) I can't. I locked the keys in the car.
C1: (Looking at me like I'm a retard) You locked your keys in your car? You don't have another key hidden somewhere or something?
Me: No. I will call AAA and get them here.
C2: (very exasperated, sighs heavily) You are blocking this whole operation. Did you do this on purpose?
Me: As I have already explained to this nice officer here, I am not going to answer questions without an attorney present. I am nervous, I am being harassed by people in uniform that carry guns, and ignore the Constitution. I am rattled. I made a mistake.

Cop 2 is getting pissed now. Glaring at me.

Me: I will call AAA right now. It probably won't take long. (I step away, get my AAA card out and dial.)

A few minutes later I go back to the cops - there are now like five of them standing around looking at the car and me. LoL. The lane is completely blocked and they are unable to bully any citizens. They look bored. I can hardly keep from laughing, but I did. I go back to C2 and say:

Me: AAA will have a truck here in about 15 minutes.

During that time they are hitting me with questions that I won't answer. I refuse the 'walk the line test' because I have an injured nerve in my back and it prevents me from walking straight. So I blow into the machine and it comes up 0.0 -- but, I knew that. C2 is pissed now. His "operation" has stopped. I am keeping a straight face though. Thank gawd for my poker playing experience.

Tow truck arrives. Driver looks like he's confused, walks up to the cop who explains that it is just a lock out. Driver says, "My dispatch said it was a tow, not a lockout. I am not set up for a lockout.. I can call another. . ." I interrupt him and say. "I don't want my car Slim Jimmed. That can cause damage to a car -- my owners manual says not to do it. That's why I told your dispatch that this is a tow." Driver says, "I can't tow it if it's only a lockout." I say, "And you will be responsible if your break in does damage?" Driver just looks at me. "Put it on your truck and tow it." I said.

C2: I want the car open now.
Me: I do too. I can't open it.
C2: If you don't get this car open, I will arrest you for obstruction, and have the car impounded.
Me: Obstruction? Of what? You are obstructing ME. You called ME here -- I don't want to be here any more than you want me to be here. The car is parked LEGALLY. Close to the curb, not a red zone. YOU created this situation, and now you are going to punish ME for an honest mistake? Really?
C2: I want to look inside the car.
Me: I already told you, that you don't have my permission to do that. There is nothing in the car that should concern you. No drugs, no guns. I am not drunk. What cause do you have to search my car?
C2: You are being uncooperative with a legal instruction from an officer.
Me: You are giving me an order that is impossible to comply with. If you order me to fly to the moon and I can't do it- is that uncooperative?
C2: If you don't move this car right now -- I will arrest you for obstruction and impound the car.
Me: (Looking at the tow truck driver). If you don't move this car right now and I get arrested because you won't do what I prepay your company to do - I am going to sue the fuck out of you. Ok?
Driver: I gotta call my dispatch. (and he walks away with a cell phone in his ear)
Me: (Looking at C2) Can you give me five minutes to move this car before you arrest me?
C2: You gotta have another key somewhere.
Me: Well I don't. And if I could shit a key I'd be eating ExLax and squatting right here in the roadway. . . but I can't.

Cops are now waving all cars past -- not enough room I guess. Sorry. Driver comes back.

Driver: (to both me and C1 and C2) Dispatch says I can tow the car. I have to put the front wheels up on a dolly first and pull it in backwards. Can we move these cones, and that sign? He points to the electronic sign that needs to be hooked up to a truck to move.

C2 is red faced pissed now. I thought he was going to throw me on the hood of the car and hook me up. I really did. He actually stamped his foot like a petulant 7 year old. I had to turn away to keep from laughing.

So, driver gets the car on the truck, and we're all ready to go, and I go back to C2 and say, "I need my papers -- you know, in case this happens again." He didn't say a word, just gave me back the paperwork.

The whole thing took two hours. Their time was up, they had to roll it up. Score: Gestapo -- 0 Free citizen -- 1.

The driver took my car to my home, three blocks away; I could have walked home for a key. Pulled it off the truck, took the dolly out from under it. I tipped him a $20, went in the house and got my wife's spare set of keys and unlocked it.

It was the funnest two hours I'd had since I met that stewardess with an eight hour layover and nothing to do. Auburn hair and green eyes . . . she was sweet. But that's another story. It was exhilarating too -- there was a good chance I was going to jail, but once the keys were locked in, the course was set. I was all in, and the hand would develop no matter what I did. They want to waste my time, and fuck with me? That can go two directions. My pulse and blood pressure must have been off the charts -- hella fun. It's like when you slow play a hand, and get everyone all-in where you have a royal flush.

I look forward to the next time. I think I can waste even more time. Maybe get ten cops some overtime -- and no money from all those bad people who had a glass of wine with dinner.

~ Auggie ~
 
It really WAS FUN as hell. I'm going to do it again. Next time I'll do it when I have wifey in the car - she really freaks out around people with power ... it'll be double fun watching her and cops bounce offa each other. On second thought, she'd prolly kick my ass right there beside the road and get arrested for 'corporal spousal punishment' or some shit.

I have a friend who refuses to roll down her window in one of those things. She puts her drivers license and proof of insurance on the dashboard where it can be seen from outside and yells through the window that she won't roll it down. Leaves the door locked and refuses to come out. She says she hopes they arrest her - her civil rights attorney needs the extra money. They just waive her through though.

Oh, forgot to mention that she is black and the head of the ACLU chapter in our area.

Point is ... if you don't exercise a muscle you lose it. It becomes weak and withers. Our rights are the same. You MUST exercise them even if you think you don't need them. "You don't have anything to hide do you?" is a bullshit question that cops are taught to use when you refuse a search. And the answer is real simple; "I will not answer any questions without an attorney present - and you do NOT have my permission to search." And end EVERYTHING you say with "Am I free to go now?" Ask that question over and over - I guarantee you wont get an answer to it. Not yes or no. So, the cop won't answer YOUR question - why should you answer HIS?

Exercise the muscles you want to keep.

~ Auggie ~
 
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