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A Success Story of Substitution

MelFeasance

New Member
Hey y'all,

Just joined this forum to share my story of passing a drug test with substitution.

I got a new (better, higher paying, short commute) job in April I was stoked about. I knew the company did not drug test thanks to some connections I had. However, on day ONE i find out my specific client does require a drug screen. Great.....

I'm a 30 y/o female and have been a pretty much daily smoker since I got out of the military a few years ago. I enjoy it far more than drinking and it keeps me mellow and stress-free as I've battled with crazy anxiety for years. But, I really like this job, so I decided to get clean.

Fortunately, I had about a month of training before I needed to take my drug test. To be safe, I ordered a powdered clean urine kit from Test Clear. Take some home tests, I'm clean at about 20 days. GREAT!

Day of the test comes, I go and wait for an hour or so at the facility, take my test, text my husband to roll a big beautiful joint for me, and carry on.

Now, what a smart version of me would have done would have been to wait until the results came back to smoke up. But I was READY...So, I go home, light up, watch some public television (don't judge me!) and enjoy my evening.

The next week I get an email saying my drug test was diluted so I need to retake. Panic sets in. I work out a lot and drink about 1.5 gallons of water a day. Like, every day. It's just my MO. So, this sucks and I'm really worried about my skills at substituting.

After work I go buy a 4oz bottle (the amount I know is required at this facility. The kit came with a 2oz bottle, but I wanted to be safe.) from Target. It had some weird hair tonic in it so I wash it about 50 times. and then....i PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE. I fill the bottle with hot water, practice putting it in my pants and it not being noticed (it was a bit large for my *ahem* "natural pocket"), practice going into the bathroom with my husband standing at the door to see if he can hear anything weird and to make sure I can be quick.

Day of, I'm nervous as hell and mad at myself for not freaking waiting to get results before my stoner self overrode my reasonable self. I mix up the powdered urine at home and it STINKS....that's a good sign. I attach the included stick-on thermometer to it, shake it up, and wrap a hair tie around that and the hand warmer that also came in the kit. Husband drives with me to the facility for moral support. I keep the hand warmer on for the 10 min drive. When we get there, I take the hand warmer off and the sample is at about 105*. Perfect. I shove the bottle in my pants (just kind of tucked it up between my legs...hooray for having big, muscley thighs!) and go to sign in. The whole time I'm waiting and watching the fucking Chew on their TV and getting a bit freaked out. I had to practice my yogic breathing to stay cool. Finally, I get called back. It's this 20 year old kid monitoring my test and he's complaining about how tired he is. Freaking Perfect. I go into the stall (he's waiting outside the open bathroom door with the stall door shut) and drop my pants while holding onto the vial. Sit down and quickly check the temp. 97*....perfect. I peed a little to mask the sound of me twisting the top off, slowly pour the sample down the side of the cup so you can't hear it glug or splash or anything, then I set the sample cup onto the floor, shove the cap in my bra (it was loud and took too long to twist it back on) and the bottle I used back in my underwear, all while peeing a bit to mask any sound. Monitor kid calls out to remind me not to flush. I pull up my pants and swirl the sample cup a bit to give a few bubbles. I don't think the foaming issue is as big of a deal for women....when we pee in a cup, it doesn't quite aerate the same as when men do. I walk out with my sample, he checks the temp, does the custody form, has me sign all the crap, etc etc. Then I walk out as quickly as possible with a plastic bottle between my legs.

That was 12 days ago and today (!!!) my test and background check came back good to go! Hooray!! In about 6 hours I will be toking with abandon again. I can't wait.

I know this was long, but reading other people's experiences really gave me a lot of confidence and hope for being able to pass. So, maybe I can do the same. And not enough women share their experiences. Ladies, let your pot flag fly!

TL;DR: Lessons Learned
1) If you can get clean, just get clean. And wait for your test results to come back!
2) If you must substitute, I highly recommend TestClear (note, when mixing it, I advise using very warm water and adding some into your container, then the powder, and then topping it off)
3) PRACTICE!!! I cannot state this enough. Knowing exactly what I had to do kept me calm, efficient, and ultimately successful.
4) I found wearing tight underwear with tight, dark jeans let me hide the bottle easily. I'm not a super skinny lady (5'4", 140lbs). If you are, you might want to consider using your bra or try to get away with a smaller vial that would fit in your "natural pocket". My thighs hid the bottle pretty well.
5) Damn the man.

If you read all this, awesome.

Melissa
 

Weed420

New Member
Congratulations for passing. You also got a little lucky because if their had been a female nurse there she could have kept the door open and watched you. But its considered unethical for a nurse of the opposite sex to watch you pee.
 

MelFeasance

New Member
Congratulations for passing. You also got a little lucky because if their had been a female nurse there she could have kept the door open and watched you. But its considered unethical for a nurse of the opposite sex to watch you pee.

Not luck, research :).

I knew from my first test that it was not observed. This isn't a DOT job, so most of those are non-observed.
 

Weed420

New Member
DOT jobs aren't observed either unless you give the tech reasonable suspicion that you're cheating.
And everybody milk these drug tests for all they're worth. You have 3 hours of paid time to stall taking the test so just sit there and cost your boss money. Cost them enough money and they will stop drug testing.
 
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