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Smokin Moose

Fallen Cannabis Warrior
Newsflash: I'm not a pothead. I say this because ever since I wrote that column last week about getting too high, my Inbox has been flooded with e-mails of support for my "plight to spread the good word about the ol' Mary Jane."

While I appreciate the encouragement and feedback, the truth is I don't really give a crap about weed. Not that I hate the stuff, or have anything against anyone smoking it-it's good for a laugh every now and then and it definitely enhances the consumption of Frito Lay products-but really, it's no big whup. So I smoked a joint. I don't think it's that big of a deal. It's not like I admitted to killing a man, chopping him into pieces, hiding some of his remains in a Burger King dumpster and then eating the rest in a Satanic ritual that involved 36 candles and listening to Meat Loaf's Bat Out of Hell album over and over again three weeks ago.

Is it me, or does it seem that when anyone in the public eye even casually mentions that they may have smoked pot, they become some kind of champion for the cannabis? Well, I hate to break it to ya dudes, but no, I don't want to march in the pot parade or to speak at your Intro to Law class about legalization. No, we can't hang out sometime and get baked watching Dazed and Confused-I don't know you, it might get kinda weird.

Sure, if I'm out somewhere and you offer me a toke, I might not refuse, but if you see me on the mountain in the summer, don't offer to get me "blitzed" and join in your game of Ultimate, or to grab some bongos and "just jam it out for a few." You'll never catch me in a shirt that says "Baked Fresh Daily" over a pot leaf in wobbly psychedelic letters, and quite frankly, I don't care that it's 4:20, except that means my bus is coming. Although it is somewhat impressive that you can construct a joint that's a 3D replica of the Parliament building using only scissors, three rolling papers and saliva, the amount of time it must have taken you to learn that kind of depresses me.

How did weed culture become so ridiculous anyway? Okay, sure, when it's over the top like Larry Carlson's Web site, it's actually pretty amazing and hilarious. But for the most part, aren't all the day-glo swirly things, aliens with joints in their mouths and pun-y weed catchphrases pretty cringey?

In fact, I blame the entire weed counterculture industry for the fact that smoking pot hasn't been widely accepted in our society. When I was a kid and visited my pothead friends, seeing all their paraphernalia-posters, t-shirts, screen savers, coasters, ill-fitting hemp clothing and flags-actually made me want to smoke pot even less. I never really wanted to "get" the Grateful Dead, or stare at my hand for half an hour. I thought black lights were pretty unflattering and that Bob Marley made me sleepy. I never really wanted to believe in aliens ( especially ones smoking weed saying "Have a spaced out day!" ) and I never really wanted to own a bong the shape of Homer Simpson's head. Has it ever occurred to pot activists that society doesn't want to accept marijuana consumption because it's actually kind of lame?

It's obvious who benefits from the continued criminalization of pot. Organized crime has a stake in it, as they are the biggest suppliers of the stuff. And of course law enforcement and the criminal system can have a constant influx of clients to process, ensuring their livelihood.

Am I for the legalization of pot? Sure. But not because it will allow for quality control, or because it will free up our crowded jails, our clogged court system and help take a bite out of gangs. I'm doing it because I'd like to see less cheesiness around.

Think about it: who really stands to gain if pot stays illegal? There is one industry whose survival is dependent upon the underground, counterculture cachet of marijuana consumption. That's right, I'm talking about the Cat in the Hat hat manufacturers. Without the outsider aspect of pot smoking, what would people wear to proudly proclaim that they're totally fried right now and could really go for some Cheetos? It's obvious the Cat in the Hat headwear people are the ones to blame for marijuana's criminalization. It's a conspiracy between them and the Neon Fractal Poster people. Oh, and the Che Guevara-smoking-a-joint t-shirt lobbyists.

Oh yeah, and the aliens. Dude, of course! The aliens!

Source: Mirror (CN QU)
Copyright: 2007 Communications Gratte-Ciel Ltee
Contact: letters@mtl-mirror.com
Website: The Montreal Mirror : News, Arts, Film, Music
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