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Help me get my life back Please

enigmatic

New Member
this is a re-post because I originally posted this in the MMJ doctors listing ( might have been the wrong one ) maybe you peoples will have better answers for me- I can only hope.

Hello good peoples of 420magazine, I came across this forum on my quest to getting my life back- I hope you guys/gals have some spare time to help me out.

Long story short my life has been a mess for the last 10 years, after I watched my Father pass away infront of me while on vacation when I was14 and I started to blame myself for his death (he was an abusive father and one day while we were on vacation he said/did something and I felt like this was my chance to stand up for myself because he was sick and couldnt get out of bed, he was an old man)- 5 days after my birthday from the day I told him off ,he died and I couldn't say sorry...out of all people me saying sorry, but i felt like i had too ) as well as seclude myself from society. Now 5 years later I have riddled my mind with a sickness that will stay with me until the day of enlightenment or the day I die.
I suffer from pretty bad Anxiety ( sometimes It gets so bad that I stay in my room for weeks, I also suffer from insomnia- it gets to the point where I don't/can't fall asleep until 5 am. I have no idea how my family has put up with me for this long OR how they have let me get this bad...I feel like I can't blend with society or that they won't accept me, I'm tired of feeling helpless ( I NEVER take suicide into consideration so don't think I do-i'm not stupid.) I also grew up in an abusive family with my father constantly belittling me, calling me a bitch and a dog at the tender age of 9 was a real treat growing up, I feel like I wasn't allowed to grow normally, and my mother was just as bad in the sense that she ignored my cries for help so she could be with her other man, I felt abandoned and alone at such a young age, I started to question my own existence, I mean I just couldn't see how a father would treat his son like that, I thought he hated me, every time he would call my name I would get this feeling in my stomach like the world just dropped on me or something.

ANYWAYS ( thank you if you read all of that ) I am not trying to make it seem like I'm craving attention cause that's not what this is, I just need to have an understanding of things and to do that you guys need to understand me aswell. I will finally be going to a Psychiatrist on Thursday to tell her what's been on my mind for the past 10 years as well as ask her/him if MEDICAL marijuana would be viable for me- my Primary doctor prescribed me anti-depressants but i stopped taking them after a month because i hated how they made me feel ''different'' and because once you start taking those things if you stop you go psycho or something.

I am very hesitant to tell the psychiatrist about my problems because I fear that they will think i'm absolutely psycho but that's not how I feel inside- I am a loving caring person who was just assaulted by society and a poor upbringing, FFS I even have second thoughts about stepping on spiders or bugs inside my house, I usually let them back outside...is that Psychotic ?

If my Psychiatrist confirms I have a mental illness would I have to run it by my primary doctor who is female and is probably against MMJ ( I'm scared to ask my primary for the fear of her rejecting me as her patient )

And if all else fails - would their be any MMJ approving doctors in Edmonton that you guys mind sharing?

I'm at my wits end...If I can't fix my life then I'll probably give up( become a hermit ), I just don't see the joy in life anymore, the family I grew up in didn't give me the chance to flourish into the person I should have become.

thank you for taking the time to read all of this~ Have a great day!


LONG LONG STORY SHORT:::: I am tired of letting my past get to me, it's constantly on my mind day to day- no matter what advice some hotshot counselor will tell me, their words won't heal these scars, sadly I'll need drugs to help me forget OR improve my quality of life, even if it's only 10 minutes of peace.

If you guys need any information on my part send me a pm or post in the comments and if you don't seem shady i'll be more than happy to let you in.

edit: after reading over everything, I really put myself out there....I'm not sure that was such a great idea :(

I DO NOT use Cannabis to escape my problems, I use it to cope with them.
 

kikocorn

New Member
I would not trust a psychiatrist with my brain/head. It comes down to you doing the work yourself to fix/improve you. You will never hear a psychiatrist say "Congratulations you are fixed you don't need to come here anymore". They get paid by the hour, guess how many hours it'll take for them to fix you..... NEVER is the correct answer.
 

enigmatic

New Member
thank you for the reply- believe me man I know.. that's why It has taken me 5 years to finally say enough and seek professional guidance, I refused to talk to a psychiatrist because they're just going to tell me what I already know.

I guess I should say my main goal is getting a MMJ license since I fall under category 2- I would need a psychiatrist to diagnose me with a disorder of some sort.

Do you guys think I would just be better off not going to see a Psychiatrist and growing my own medicine?

( one or two plants only! )
 

420 Motoco

Member of the Month: October 2014 - Member of the Year: 2014
I know this may seem blunt...Brother, you need Cannabis Concentrated Oil. A pure Indica for sound sleep and anxiety & sativa (Harlequin) for daytime med which covers depression, a great motivator. Look into it...its help my Son with PTSD beyond his wildest dreams. The Gov. has him on Morphine, Oxycontin and Prozac (yea...only the G takes care of Vets). In the last 4 months (even on his meds) the concentrated Cannabis Oil has changed his attitude completely around. Hang in there...you cannot change the past, but, you can change your future. Take charge Bro!

For me...I say screw the shrink (they will have you zoned in no time)...try the best med around 'Cannabis Oil'. Then, if it doesn't work for you...go the conventional route. I would even move to where I could have medical access to MJ. Got to get yourself FIXED & on the road Bro. People think the Concentrate (Cannabis Oil) is primary to kill Cancer...that is just the tip of the iceberg. It changes your whole well being...mind & body. Get educated, healed and spread the word. Peace, Happiness and Pancakes

Your post took your first step...carry on !
 

enigmatic

New Member
Thank you so much for the kind and motivating words guys- I have studied the effects and benefits for medical marijuana, right now i'm at a crossroad where the stuff I get from the street doesn't phase me anymore- my mind and body is desperate for a break and I think it's time to either, move like you said- or grow my own medicine. The benefits of growing my own medicine outweighs the risk by a landslide but I would have to figure out how to build a stealth grow- like super stealth for around 50-100$- My brother smokes cannabis but he wouldn't be too keen on me growing- we share the same house, and me and him have almost no bond...my brother went through the same things as me with my dad but for some reason it seems like my brother came out unscathed,I don't understand why I have to be the one with such a weak mind ( I am the youngest of 5 kids ), I don't understand why I can't just forget and move on, I've been isolating myself from the world for 5 straight years only to go outside when I need cigarettes- I feel like I will never be the same happy all smiles kid I was 13 years ago, I know I have so much to offer to this world but the hardest part for me is putting on a fake smile everyday and pretending like everything is ok.

I'm the guy who looks down at the ground when I walk.

edit: I'm not sure if moving would be a viable option for me right now, My life is a mess and moving at this time in my life would not be good- I need to get my sh*t together first.
 

Spimp

Nug of the Month: August 2013, June 2014 - Member of the Month: Oct 2013

420 Motoco

Member of the Month: October 2014 - Member of the Year: 2014
There are always good peeps around. Find a good grower that understands your depression & anxiety and maybe he can help. If you wait for a opportunity that is right for you...it may never come. You have to find something new in your life so you don't keep dwelling on the same o. Are you currently taking meds? If so, would you mind sharing. Sounds like you don't like yourself very much...change that....start looking up when you walk. Sounds like a severe case of PTSD from your Pops. Asking for help is a strength not a weakness. My Son asked for help, unfortunate @ this time he opted for his addiction...however, the seed is planted and he knows there are much better options. Hope all the best for you...again...there are people out there with big hearts, find them. Never give up.
 

enigmatic

New Member
thanks again!~ oddly enough,I have spotted some plants in my neighbors backyard, I'm pretty sure he is a MMJ patient but I don't want to be intrusive and ask him which doctors he went to OR if he can help me- I used to take a rather mild anti-anxiety pills ( forgot the name ) when I was 16 but I stopped because I didn't like how they made me feel after a month of taking them, I have vowed since then to keep everything I do to my body as natural as possible, and don't get me wrong about my dad- no matter how cruel he was to me, I forgave him long ago and I still love him, he was a raging alcoholic fueled by his own problem PTSD, he watched his first born son die from a motorcycle accident killed by a drunk driver, imagine seeing your first born sons head smashed open, cradling him in your arms...still no excuse for him to treat me like I wasn't even his son, he took out all of his anger towards the world at me and my brother.

also- as for finding a grower or someone that sells MMJ in my city would be pretty hard, I'm not very sociable, like I said my mind would rather constantly dwell on the past than have a good conversation with good people, I'm only able to speak my mind on here because you guys can't see the emotional scars within my face/eyes.

The garbage medicine that I have been using doesn't work for me anymore, I don't know if it's a high tolerance or not but I can't afford to take a tolerance break, I know that sounds bad and borderline substance abuse but It's my medicine and I need it at least twice a day- morning and before bed- The money I inherited from my dad..I spent about 5000$ on cannabis in a period of 6 months..and sadly I can say that I only felt the effect of the medicine only twice..that's how bad my mind and body needs a break- so bad that I continue to smoke through a high tolerance knowing I won't get ''high'' but hoping and praying I do. My dad left me money that In my eyes is to fix what he created, sorry dad- i've spent almost all of your money and nothing has worked. FML
 

420 Motoco

Member of the Month: October 2014 - Member of the Year: 2014
Wow enigmatic...this is getting deep, deep, deep. I can't see you, true, but sure feel your pain. Your meds are not working because of your deep depression, anxiety, and insomnia overcome all else. They all work hand in hand & lack of sleep causes the circle to get worst. You have to get your body tired to sleep well= exercise. Exercise till your exhausted, lay off your meds for a couple of days, exercise your butt off during that time, then try your meds. Also strain selection is key...find a strain like 'green crack' that is a mood enhancer. See if you can find some really good cannabis oil concentrate. I would try to get a good sativa for the day and a pure Indica for night time. This will pull you right out of your funk. If you can do this...post it, then I'll explain how to dose it...it will change your life by eliminating your anxiety, depression and will get you to sleep. It works much different than the euphoric buzz that your becoming immune to. I know its easier said than done...but, you KNOW it needs to be done.
 

enigmatic

New Member
Exercise doesn't work in the sense that it doesn't put me to sleep even if my muscles are super tired/sore-it's strange. I think i'm just going to start my own closet grow, I will be going to see my primary physician in two days and I will ask her for the first time if MMJ would be viable for me...my god I don't know why I feel so nervous talking to my doctor about this stuff- it's her job to hear me out.
 

420 Motoco

Member of the Month: October 2014 - Member of the Year: 2014
Exercise doesn't work in the sense that it doesn't put me to sleep even if my muscles are super tired/sore-it's strange. I think i'm just going to start my own closet grow, I will be going to see my primary physician in two days and I will ask her for the first time if MMJ would be viable for me...my god I don't know why I feel so nervous talking to my doctor about this stuff- it's her job to hear me out.
I know why your nervous about talking to your Dr.... think u know what the answer is going to be. Best of luck though enigmatic...hope all works out for you.
 

enigmatic

New Member
thanks man- I think I won't be asking my Doc about MMJ until I actually get diagnosed with a mental illness- that way she can't look at me like i'm just bringing it up so I can get high..she knows I smoke Marijuana, but she doesn't know WHY. So my plans as of this Thursday- See my primary, set up an appointment to a psychiatrist ( one appointment to diagnose me only, I will refuse any medications they will try to put me on ) and then see my primary again- but I will see her well prepared with tons of information sheets as well as a liability release form, I hope my Doc can understand that this is MY life and I'm tired of wasting it away, I'm only 20 years old ffs I have my whole life ahead of me, I shouldn't be as miserable as I am...thanks again for the kind words brother.

I'll keep you guys posted on my journey- which technically starts Thursday.
 

420 Motoco

Member of the Month: October 2014 - Member of the Year: 2014
Sounds like a plan.
Like to share a story I just got yesterday from a friend. His cousin was suffering from depression. He went to see his doc who referred him to shrink...here is the questions in order that was asked of him: Do you feel like or have had suicidal tendencies? (NO...never). Do you ever have a feeling of killing others? (NO...NEVER !) Do you own any guns? (Yes...me and my family members go shooting/hunting quite often). They gave him a mandatory 3 day evaluation ... wanted to start heavy meds & keep him longer. His cousins wife went to facility for visitation, distracted the guard while he went out the front door got in her car. She immediately left and they drove off. No there is no guns in Canada. Point being..never know what to expect. Answer wisely...apparently wrong answers your in deep. This isn't to scare you...just be cautious. Best of luck.
 

enigmatic

New Member
I know that I have to be careful with what I say to shrinks, I don't want to hurt/kill anything and the only gun I own is an AK-47 air-soft that I used to get rid of the magpies that were bullying my cat non stop..and even then I hesitated in pulling the trigger- with 4 or 5 magpies swooping down on my cat. My only worry at this point is- If I see a shrink and they end up putting me in the ''facility'' would they FORCE me, like strap me down and inject me with medications? I am absolutely against pharmaceuticals...!

as for the shrinks putting your friend into the facility because he answered that one hunting question makes sense- in their eyes that would be a perfect opportunity for someone to snap...and you know the rest...just my observation though- shrinks always assume the worst before it happens because it's their job- I wonder if they every diagnose someone wrongly just to get paid even more...the world we live in is so messed up.

on a side note:

I'm starting to do my research on growing my own medicine but there is just SO MUCH info to read I'm not sure if it all matters.. would you have any information (website,articles,etc) that are simplified for the newbie? All I know at this point is - I need soil,like 4 lights per plant, fans,ventilation,ph meter,nutes,containers.

also the closet in my room that I plan on growing in, I'm not sure how I can ventilate the air in that closet 24/7..I remember reading somewhere saying you need to change the air every 5 minutes...drilling holes in my roof,walls is not an option as this is not my house but my brothers. Here is my theory- I put a megahuge fan ( the standup ones ) on one side circulating the air OUTSIDE the growbox but inside the closet, If I leave the door slightly open do you think that would be enough to constantly have a supply of fresh air?
Sorry for all the questions I hope you don't mind :) .

My closet is big enough to fit three adults inside and I plan on growing 1-2 plants ( one indica , and one sativa )
 

420 Motoco

Member of the Month: October 2014 - Member of the Year: 2014
Best thing I ever did was get an EBook of line "Growing Elite Marijuana" ... has all the growing methods, not just the authors. Links to all the best seed banks and most importantly pictures of plants when things go wrong...great reference. There are many many ways to grow. I use this ebook a lot. From noobs to expert and a great read...imho. There will be an issue on growing one indica, and one sativa unless you get 2 tents or a divider to separate them...indica has a lot shorter flower time and may like different nuits and different grow temps. If I could choose only one it would be Indica...for the rest factor, which is the most important in healing anything imo. Worthy mention, its a FUN hobby, but, can cause a lot of anxiety...lol. Just keep at it and keep it GREEN !
I have a sealed room except for a air conditioner that pipes in fresh air...opening up the door to the closet imo will keep enough fresh air in...just don't give them any light while they are sleeping. My first crop was Harlequin, Blue Dream & Lemon Haze...not that I would of picked 3 different strains, but they had a 10-12 wk flower time, 9-11 wks on the BD and LH, all dominant sativa strains. The majority was Blue Dream and that was pretty much full term as was the Lemon Haze so I harvested them @ 10.5 weeks. Wished I could of let the Harlequin go the full 12 wks but the best I could do was give it another 3 days before they where cut down. For Medical purposes, especially if your considering making a concentrated cannabis oil try to go full term. Find info on the strains you get, but always check your trichomes with a hand held microscope to see when they are ready for what your needs are. Don't know what kind of lights your going to use...but, 4 seems like a lot. I currently have 36 og fire going using 4 lamps (9 per light) but I'm using Gavita Pro 1000, and they are expensive, but, IMO are worth it. I don't want to write a book...lol. You need a good meter for your PH levels and your PPM levels. Remember, its a WEED and after my first grow (turned out awesome btw with a 90 day cure) and they survived tells you something...cause when I opened the door to the grow room, the ladies thought...oh oh, whats he gonna do to us this time...lmao
 

enigmatic

New Member
again...thank you so much man..you've been a lot of help and you're making things a lot easier for me to process. I think I will go with the harlequin like you recommended- my concerns at this point would be the heat signature- it's almost winter and i'm wondering If there would be a way I could disperse this heat around my house ( my guess would be by putting a big fan inside the closet next to the grow-box )- I'll do more reading on this subject, Cannabis is truly a god miracle plant...It's amazing how much time,work,effort and dedication it takes to really get what you put into it..in 2 years from now It will be legalized 100%- and I can't wait until then- I hope I also don't get raided for one plant......

I'm sure with trial and error I'll figure things out, thanks for the advice once again
:thanks:

edit: Just downloaded the e-book you mentioned and it looks really good- this should be an interesting read,a lot easier for me since everything I need to know is right there.
 

420 Motoco

Member of the Month: October 2014 - Member of the Year: 2014
enigmatic,

Your welcome. Growing Elite Marijuana is an awesome, awesome book. Your right, its a lot of knowledge to grasp, but its very interesting. . Learn as much as you can (takes your mind off the dwelling also), don't read a lot into the net unless you can separate the BS from fact (pretty much our life journey...lol). The fan would help exhaust the heat out. Learn learn learn. Try to know before you grow :goodjob:

I like your plan, love to see your attitude change. Keep us posted. Peace
 

closetorganic

New Member
Hi enigmatic I just read through and would like to follow along. Its Friday today and was wonder how your appt with the doc went if that happened.
I hope you do start a grow as it is a form of therapy in itself. My family is leasing in a trailor park and I am growing in a closet that I can not cut holes in ceiling or walls and not to mention have rental inspections too. I have 600w hps flowering on one side and a 4 foot 4 bulb t5 fixture for veg on other. I have to leave closet open when lights on to push fresh air in with box fan on floor. The flower side is in loosely covered space with a fan pulling hot stinky air out top through carbon filter. If you start with cfls than heat shouldnt be too bad but smells will still be there for you adn Bro to find out. Oh if he smokes why would he be against good quality weed for fraction of cost.Just become legal and grow legal if possible and even with that dont tell noone not even friends.
I have a different story than yours and was on heavy stuff,serequel the strongest I think but did cymbalt lexpro and few others I forgot. After I became registered and started harvesting enough I straight up quit my meds and never stopped smoking over 2 years now :cheer:. I feel that you have to medicate regularly same as those pills to be taken regular. Stopping pills when you think you feel good dont work but brings more shit on to what they have already done. For me running out in between harvests will take several days before wife notices mood drop along with me not falling asleep. I cant afford dispensary stuff and since it passed street shit is to much too now.
To much rambling try make friends with neighbor dont steal it lol SAy you noticed and will help keep eye out for him maybe you will be gifted when its finished?
 

enigmatic

New Member
thanks and welcome, my doc appt was awkward, she knew something was wrong with me and tried to get it out of me but I would rather talk to a shrink, someone I only see once and never have to see again..y'know? I have to wait 4 months to see a psychiatrist( to sign my B2 forms) or I can go see a PSYCHOLOGIST like tomorrow and get diagnosed but I'm not sure if they can sign my B2 forms- You have given me reassurance, if you can grow in a small space then I should be able too. My neighbor already harvested and he's an old biker guy, he doesn't really talk to us much other than the time when the power of my block went out and he came over to ask if we got shutdown too, he probably thought he was about to get raided or something haha. I just wish my city has good quality weed so I wouldn't have to grow- I was so desperate to catch a buzz that I spent 700$ on a volcano and even a vaporizer doesn't get me buzzed.
 
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