TheFertilizer
Well-Known Member
Well, so life's drama got to me around last April/May and I just kind of stopped doing anything. I mean literally anything. I barely ate for about two months. Depression really sucks. I basically quit smoking weed for the same amount of time, kind of tapered down to nothing. Then the next thing I know, I tried it again, and it would just give me really bad anxiety. This has happened to me before, and I tried different things to combat it; sniffing ground pepper was interesting. In the end I just kind of had to face facts: I don't enjoy the high anymore. It makes me paranoid, but being completely legal, I don't have anything to be paranoid about, so I just sit there and feel "on edge" about nothing. Like almost literally searching for stuff to worry about. Beyond that, since I had been using it medicinally to treat my CVS and my anxiety, it was kind of counter-intuitive because it was giving me anxiety, and I haven't had a CVS episode for months after starting amitryptiline.
So anyway I was just kind of thinking about it, and realized i've been smoking daily for the last 15 years. I thought about when I first started smoking and the joy it would bring me. The euphoria, the psychedelic rush. It made food taste better, it made music sound better. All that was gone. Now when I smoke it, I just feel this weird rush and unease. No euphoria or relaxation. I questioned why I was still doing it, and I thought, "Well what if i still need it for my PTSD and my CVS?" and I thought about how when I first tried it, I never wanted to come to "rely" on it, and yet here I was relying on it as medicine. It all got super counter-productive too because I shot my tolerance up so high that I was having to grow my own, and not doing a very good job at that. I mean I grew some really potent shit, but never enough of it to last, and it became stressful to worry about not getting a large enough supply. Then there's the fact that... Society just doesn't want you to smoke. It's easier to get along when you're no smoking/growing, and I feel like enough stuff in my life is hard enough as it is, I don't need the resistance of that along with it.
I'm 30 now and have smoked for literally half of my life, and in light of all that, I guess I just decided I needed a change. I'm glad my lungs don't wheez anymore when I sleep, and I'm looking forward to the return of my short-term memory lol I've started to try to exercise and get "back into shape". I was never really "in shape" to be honest, but I guess I'm just staring down the barrel of 30 and thinking, "Wow I really need to change." I've been teeter-tottering between 300-400 pounds for the last ten years, and it's taken a heavy toll on my back, and I finally got sick of saying, "Some day I'm going to get healthy." I can't really explain it... But it was just like I woke up one day and said, "Okay, that's it, 'some day' is here." As much as I don't want to insinuate that cannabis is unhealthy, I feel that part of getting healthy for me is taking a long hiatus.
I don't think I'll never smoke again, but I guess I feel like right now it's something I need a break from. I mean a long break. I smoked for 15 years straight so, I'm thinking years. I think at this point it's less about feeling like not smoking will improve my health, but just having the choice to quit and making it. it gives me a sense of control that I really need. I've been enjoying working out, strength training so that my body has more muscles to take the load off my messed up back, and I like the control of that too. Doing something and feeling palpable results. I haven't really lost as much weight as I would like, but I'm turning fat into muscle. Not smoking has given me clarity about other problems I have too. I have blamed weed for giving me the "munchies" and over-eating for a long time, but I don't think it was the weed or the munchies now. I finally came to terms with the fact that I have a food addiction and an eating disorder, and I think that's actually what has been causing my CVS. If I even had/have CVS... I'm starting to think the real cause of it was binge eating, because I haven't had an episode of it for almost a year now while being a lot more cautious to avoid that. I'm trying to eat more fruits/vegetables (I have basically been a meat-a-tarian all my life) and trying to eat for sustenance instead of entertainment. I don't always do the best job of that, but since I haven't been binge eating myself into a week-long vomiting streak for a year, I think I'm doing pretty good. Right now I'm focusing on strengthening my core so that my back doesn't hurt so much, and so far I'm having good results!
I haven't really missed smoking that much honestly. I mean, i wasn't really enjoying it anymore, growing had become a chore with my back so messed up, and I honestly started to loathe everything about growing my own. i live in a tiny little apartment and it's littered with growing paraphernalia. I really just kind of felt it ruling my life. I mean, I couldn't even take a shower without moving buckets and cloners and crap out of the tub. It really kind of consumed me, and so I've decided that even if I do start smoking again at some point, I'm never going to grow again unless I get into a house. It's just too much work, and I don't want it to define me and have such domain over my life again. I used to feel privileged to be able to grow my own, but before long I ended up feeling trapped by it. It sucks though because I have thousands of dollars invested into all my equipment, and can't find anyone interested in buying it used, so I don't know what I'm going to do with it. I'm hoping I can put it into storage somewhere, at least the more expensive stuff, in case I have a change of heart and get into a house in the next few years. But in the meantime, I'm looking into government housing options so that I can finally stop spending 95% of my income on rent, and I don't think growing weed in those will be a good idea.
I haven't really posted on here for a while. I still am interested in cannabis in general, but it's kind of in a detached way now. The irony is that I quit right when I did a massive indoor harvest, and if you think that trimming sucks, try doing it when you don't have any interest in smoking it! I also had a year left on my medical authorization and a few clones left so I decided to do one more harvest, and I'm not looking forward to trimming all that. I'm probably going to store all of it long-term in the fridge or something, so that way if/when I ever do want to smoke again I don't have to resort to buying it from the store. For now I like to keep it on hand and donate it to friends in need. It's so strange, donating weed and asking, "Let me know if it's good, because I've not tried it myself." People ask me why I haven't smoked any and I just come up with an excuse, because in a way I feel kind of like I'm turning my back on something. I don't like to insinuate that there's anything wrong with smoking, but I just felt like it wasn't right for me anymore.
One thing that's really bugged me is that when i tell people I've quit, they'll say, "Oh I'm really proud of you!" and I feel conflicted about that. I mean I know they just want to be supportive, but at the same time it feels like they're regarding cannabis as a vice, but that's not how I feel about it at all. I don't think I should be congratulated on not smoking. I just saw something about my life I wanted to change, and changed it. It's also weird with friends that I've smoked with all my life, they don't know whether to offer me some, or to not "tempt me" or whatever. It took some time for my best friend to get used to not offering me some because he was just being polite, but I think after the months have went by with me politely declining he's finally got comfortable knowing I'll just ask if i want some. Otherwise it's been pretty easy honestly. I still crave smoking sometimes, just for the activity, and weirdly I have dreams where I'm smoking some, but even in my dreams i always wind up feeling regretful and uneasy about it.
This post got really long, but I guess it's just something I wanted to get off my chest. I miss the community here, but it feels like I don't really have a purpose for being here anymore. It doesn't seem like anyone's been overly concerned with my absence, and that's no big deal at all, but I guess I just wanted to post this so people know what I'm up to in case anyone does wonder, to share about life and how things change, and I guess just to ramble. Thanks to everyone who helped me along the way; I'd try to list you all, but I'm sure I would miss someone. This is one of the most friendly and good-hearted communities I've ever been a part of. You all care so much about each other's well being, and I've met some of the most gracious, generous people I've ever known here. It's a beautiful thing, and so I didn't feel right about just "disappearing", even if no one noticed i was gone
Anyway, I don't know if anyone else has had similar experiences. I'd imagine if they had, they wouldn't still be here. Like I said though, I still have an interest in cannabis, and I think another reason I wanted to post this is because I want others that might be thinking about quitting to know that there's noting wrong with that. You're not turning your back on cannabis. I smoked for half of my life. 15 years. I hope that's just a drop in the bucket; I'm working to make sure it is. In 15 years, maybe I'll pick it up again; maybe sooner than that
. You never really know where life will lead you. I know that I'm thankful for all the good times cannabis gave me, all the relief from sickness it gave me, and the experience in general. But life is bigger than a plant, and if you feel like you need to set your focus elsewhere for now, you absolutely shouldn't feel any reticence about that. I'm thankful that it's something I can just decide to walk away from at whim, and I know someday I'll come back to it, probably in an equally whimsical choice. For now I'm interested in what life will be like without it for a while.
So in conclusion, thank you all that were there for me, and thank you for reading. Thank the staff for making this awesome community a possibility, and thank the members for making this community a community. I hope no one feels I'm turning my back on their efforts to help me, but I don't think they will as I'm sure you all only ever wanted me to be well. I hope to stick around, share what wisdom I've collected, and pay it all back.
So anyway I was just kind of thinking about it, and realized i've been smoking daily for the last 15 years. I thought about when I first started smoking and the joy it would bring me. The euphoria, the psychedelic rush. It made food taste better, it made music sound better. All that was gone. Now when I smoke it, I just feel this weird rush and unease. No euphoria or relaxation. I questioned why I was still doing it, and I thought, "Well what if i still need it for my PTSD and my CVS?" and I thought about how when I first tried it, I never wanted to come to "rely" on it, and yet here I was relying on it as medicine. It all got super counter-productive too because I shot my tolerance up so high that I was having to grow my own, and not doing a very good job at that. I mean I grew some really potent shit, but never enough of it to last, and it became stressful to worry about not getting a large enough supply. Then there's the fact that... Society just doesn't want you to smoke. It's easier to get along when you're no smoking/growing, and I feel like enough stuff in my life is hard enough as it is, I don't need the resistance of that along with it.
I'm 30 now and have smoked for literally half of my life, and in light of all that, I guess I just decided I needed a change. I'm glad my lungs don't wheez anymore when I sleep, and I'm looking forward to the return of my short-term memory lol I've started to try to exercise and get "back into shape". I was never really "in shape" to be honest, but I guess I'm just staring down the barrel of 30 and thinking, "Wow I really need to change." I've been teeter-tottering between 300-400 pounds for the last ten years, and it's taken a heavy toll on my back, and I finally got sick of saying, "Some day I'm going to get healthy." I can't really explain it... But it was just like I woke up one day and said, "Okay, that's it, 'some day' is here." As much as I don't want to insinuate that cannabis is unhealthy, I feel that part of getting healthy for me is taking a long hiatus.
I don't think I'll never smoke again, but I guess I feel like right now it's something I need a break from. I mean a long break. I smoked for 15 years straight so, I'm thinking years. I think at this point it's less about feeling like not smoking will improve my health, but just having the choice to quit and making it. it gives me a sense of control that I really need. I've been enjoying working out, strength training so that my body has more muscles to take the load off my messed up back, and I like the control of that too. Doing something and feeling palpable results. I haven't really lost as much weight as I would like, but I'm turning fat into muscle. Not smoking has given me clarity about other problems I have too. I have blamed weed for giving me the "munchies" and over-eating for a long time, but I don't think it was the weed or the munchies now. I finally came to terms with the fact that I have a food addiction and an eating disorder, and I think that's actually what has been causing my CVS. If I even had/have CVS... I'm starting to think the real cause of it was binge eating, because I haven't had an episode of it for almost a year now while being a lot more cautious to avoid that. I'm trying to eat more fruits/vegetables (I have basically been a meat-a-tarian all my life) and trying to eat for sustenance instead of entertainment. I don't always do the best job of that, but since I haven't been binge eating myself into a week-long vomiting streak for a year, I think I'm doing pretty good. Right now I'm focusing on strengthening my core so that my back doesn't hurt so much, and so far I'm having good results!
I haven't really missed smoking that much honestly. I mean, i wasn't really enjoying it anymore, growing had become a chore with my back so messed up, and I honestly started to loathe everything about growing my own. i live in a tiny little apartment and it's littered with growing paraphernalia. I really just kind of felt it ruling my life. I mean, I couldn't even take a shower without moving buckets and cloners and crap out of the tub. It really kind of consumed me, and so I've decided that even if I do start smoking again at some point, I'm never going to grow again unless I get into a house. It's just too much work, and I don't want it to define me and have such domain over my life again. I used to feel privileged to be able to grow my own, but before long I ended up feeling trapped by it. It sucks though because I have thousands of dollars invested into all my equipment, and can't find anyone interested in buying it used, so I don't know what I'm going to do with it. I'm hoping I can put it into storage somewhere, at least the more expensive stuff, in case I have a change of heart and get into a house in the next few years. But in the meantime, I'm looking into government housing options so that I can finally stop spending 95% of my income on rent, and I don't think growing weed in those will be a good idea.
I haven't really posted on here for a while. I still am interested in cannabis in general, but it's kind of in a detached way now. The irony is that I quit right when I did a massive indoor harvest, and if you think that trimming sucks, try doing it when you don't have any interest in smoking it! I also had a year left on my medical authorization and a few clones left so I decided to do one more harvest, and I'm not looking forward to trimming all that. I'm probably going to store all of it long-term in the fridge or something, so that way if/when I ever do want to smoke again I don't have to resort to buying it from the store. For now I like to keep it on hand and donate it to friends in need. It's so strange, donating weed and asking, "Let me know if it's good, because I've not tried it myself." People ask me why I haven't smoked any and I just come up with an excuse, because in a way I feel kind of like I'm turning my back on something. I don't like to insinuate that there's anything wrong with smoking, but I just felt like it wasn't right for me anymore.
One thing that's really bugged me is that when i tell people I've quit, they'll say, "Oh I'm really proud of you!" and I feel conflicted about that. I mean I know they just want to be supportive, but at the same time it feels like they're regarding cannabis as a vice, but that's not how I feel about it at all. I don't think I should be congratulated on not smoking. I just saw something about my life I wanted to change, and changed it. It's also weird with friends that I've smoked with all my life, they don't know whether to offer me some, or to not "tempt me" or whatever. It took some time for my best friend to get used to not offering me some because he was just being polite, but I think after the months have went by with me politely declining he's finally got comfortable knowing I'll just ask if i want some. Otherwise it's been pretty easy honestly. I still crave smoking sometimes, just for the activity, and weirdly I have dreams where I'm smoking some, but even in my dreams i always wind up feeling regretful and uneasy about it.
This post got really long, but I guess it's just something I wanted to get off my chest. I miss the community here, but it feels like I don't really have a purpose for being here anymore. It doesn't seem like anyone's been overly concerned with my absence, and that's no big deal at all, but I guess I just wanted to post this so people know what I'm up to in case anyone does wonder, to share about life and how things change, and I guess just to ramble. Thanks to everyone who helped me along the way; I'd try to list you all, but I'm sure I would miss someone. This is one of the most friendly and good-hearted communities I've ever been a part of. You all care so much about each other's well being, and I've met some of the most gracious, generous people I've ever known here. It's a beautiful thing, and so I didn't feel right about just "disappearing", even if no one noticed i was gone
Anyway, I don't know if anyone else has had similar experiences. I'd imagine if they had, they wouldn't still be here. Like I said though, I still have an interest in cannabis, and I think another reason I wanted to post this is because I want others that might be thinking about quitting to know that there's noting wrong with that. You're not turning your back on cannabis. I smoked for half of my life. 15 years. I hope that's just a drop in the bucket; I'm working to make sure it is. In 15 years, maybe I'll pick it up again; maybe sooner than that
. You never really know where life will lead you. I know that I'm thankful for all the good times cannabis gave me, all the relief from sickness it gave me, and the experience in general. But life is bigger than a plant, and if you feel like you need to set your focus elsewhere for now, you absolutely shouldn't feel any reticence about that. I'm thankful that it's something I can just decide to walk away from at whim, and I know someday I'll come back to it, probably in an equally whimsical choice. For now I'm interested in what life will be like without it for a while.So in conclusion, thank you all that were there for me, and thank you for reading. Thank the staff for making this awesome community a possibility, and thank the members for making this community a community. I hope no one feels I'm turning my back on their efforts to help me, but I don't think they will as I'm sure you all only ever wanted me to be well. I hope to stick around, share what wisdom I've collected, and pay it all back.
