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What's your crazy story?

DooberDogger

New Member
How have you other stoners dealt with drug tests for work etc??

Here's my story:
As a heavy guy and a heavy toker I didn't have the time to wait for my system to cleanse and used U-pass Synthetic Urine to fake it. I crotched the fake piss bottle in my boxers and kept it warm with the little hand warmer it came with. I'm not gonna lie, i've never had adrenaline pounding so hard as i did in the testing place lobby. It sounds silly but I almost felt like I was in a spy movie, and after I pulled it off felt strangely exhilarated. I just got the job and still kinda buzzin on my little heist.

Do you have any crazy storiess???
 

Gadfly

Well-Known Member
You know how everyone hates a one upper? Well, I’m about to raise ya one.

A long time ago, in a galaxy I’ve never knowingly left, a much younger Gadfly, barely out of the maggot stage applied for a shitty job with a buddy and was given instructions to drive to X and do a piss test. Excited about the potential job but perplexed because there was no way I was going to pass and we had to get the test done fast. This was years before medical Mj was commonplace, and way before reliable information could easily be found, not that we would’ve read it anyways. Thinking with all the intensity of a math major during finals, we came up with a brilliant plan. I had a buddy that didn’t smoke piss in a couple containers. I taped one to my thigh and my other testing friend did the same. No nervousness. Gadfly was a very free spirited youth and no stranger drug tests. The kind where I dude stands in front of you and watches the pee pee come out of the wiener, so an employer piss test seemed like easy street. Had taken and passed/tricked many tests so confidence was in abundance. We check in, take our seats, and wait for show time. All of a sudden, Mr. Gadfly notices a wet feeling trickling down his leg. That’s odd...oh no, please no. Regardless, the Gadfly maintains an epic Kenny Rogers style poker face and never lets on that another human’s urine, is slowly trickling down his leg. Mercifully, he gets called back and the leakage was minimal. As you can imagine, Gadfly rushed to empty the container into the test cup and cleaned up his leg as best as he could. Hands the test to the tech who then slaps a sticker on the cup and makes a Hmmm face. That’s not good. Then the tech holds the cup up and really looks at the sticker. That’s definitely not good. Faking sweet adolescent innocence, “is everything ok?” The tech replies, “well, either you’re dead or this isn’t your urine.” Mostly sure I was still with the living, I inquired as to why he would ask. This is the precise moment your humble Gadfly learned that testing facilities like this paid attention to liquid temps. Asked if I’d like to retest, I politely declined. Never got a call back from that job. :hmmmm:
 

Bilbobudkin420

Well-Known Member
You know how everyone hates a one upper? Well, I’m about to raise ya one.

A long time ago, in a galaxy I’ve never knowingly left, a much younger Gadfly, barely out of the maggot stage applied for a shitty job with a buddy and was given instructions to drive to X and do a piss test. Excited about the potential job but perplexed because there was no way I was going to pass and we had to get the test done fast. This was years before medical Mj was commonplace, and way before reliable information could easily be found, not that we would’ve read it anyways. Thinking with all the intensity of a math major during finals, we came up with a brilliant plan. I had a buddy that didn’t smoke piss in a couple containers. I taped one to my thigh and my other testing friend did the same. No nervousness. Gadfly was a very free spirited youth and no stranger drug tests. The kind where I dude stands in front of you and watches the pee pee come out of the wiener, so an employer piss test seemed like easy street. Had taken and passed/tricked many tests so confidence was in abundance. We check in, take our seats, and wait for show time. All of a sudden, Mr. Gadfly notices a wet feeling trickling down his leg. That’s odd...oh no, please no. Regardless, the Gadfly maintains an epic Kenny Rogers style poker face and never lets on that another human’s urine, is slowly trickling down his leg. Mercifully, he gets called back and the leakage was minimal. As you can imagine, Gadfly rushed to empty the container into the test cup and cleaned up his leg as best as he could. Hands the test to the tech who then slaps a sticker on the cup and makes a Hmmm face. That’s not good. Then the tech holds the cup up and really looks at the sticker. That’s definitely not good. Faking sweet adolescent innocence, “is everything ok?” The tech replies, “well, either you’re dead or this isn’t your urine.” Mostly sure I was still with the living, I inquired as to why he would ask. This is the precise moment your humble Gadfly learned that testing facilities like this paid attention to liquid temps. Asked if I’d like to retest, I politely declined. Never got a call back from that job. :hmmmm:
You like one upping huh? Lol
I got one.

Worked the railways for years so was also no stranger to piss tests, also the people we worked for werent dumb we knew a week or 2 minimum before we had to piss... unless you fuck up and nearly kill someone then ya pissing on the spot lol. Anyway.
Told my Boss at company A to poke his job up his ass so i knew i would have to piss soon to go to another company. Cool not a problem, usual routine. Looots of water and cranberry juice. Boxing style runs (fully clothed with a plastic bag or cling film under your clothes to make ya sweat even more) and general gym work. (Cannabis stores in your fat cells which is why it hangs around so long). This method does work provided you have ATLEAST a week even then its risky though lol. Then it gets to friday... 2 days before i gotta piss Bilbo goes out with the boys... swiftly got out of hand. Wake up next morning sore nose, half a spliff in the ashtray and no fucking idea what happened to me.
So i went and grabbed a detox thing that is supposed to clear you in 24h. Next day did my usual water, run, bag, water then went for the detox kit. It was 2 massive pills and a bottle. Turns out you had to swallow the pills and down the bottle in one. Like a 500ml bottle. So i began to chug it off. but bilbos hungover, bloated and overheated from the run i just had. Half way through the bottle with 0 warning.
Projectile illumonous red liquid sprang forth from my mouth like a fountain allll across the back of the sink splashed up the walls everything. The 2 pills however landed neatly in the plug hole just looking at me like "....you better put me back in ya mouth" so i did and continued to drink the last half of the bottle. I had to finish it cos the half a bottle i put in me before shot out with about a litre n half of water that had been sloshing about inside me aswell.
Pissed. The person at the place even commented on how watery my urine was. Still failed lol
 

Gadfly

Well-Known Member
You like one upping huh? Lol
I got one.

Projectile illumonous red liquid sprang forth from my mouth like a fountain allll across the back of the sink splashed up the walls everything. The 2 pills however landed neatly in the plug hole just looking at me like "....you better put me back in ya mouth" so i did...
Rock N Roll baby! Or Thug Life, depending on music preference I guess. Awesome.
:48:
 

Bilbobudkin420

Well-Known Member
Rock N Roll baby! Or Thug Life, depending on music preference I guess. Awesome.
:48:
Haahha this was a whiiiile ago by the way. I aint the same guy anymore... unless the occasion calls for it. Wedding, Big bday bash, Funeral, Thursday.
 

420 Warrior

Well-Known Member
Not a crazy story but still kinda cool

I once passed a test with nothing more than drinking a ton of water and making sure I was peeing clear before peeing in the cup. That was after smoking a fatty the very morning of the test too. Believe me I was scared as hell but after passing it I was in shock that I actually pulled it off
 

George Mc

Well-Known Member
How have you other stoners dealt with drug tests for work etc??

Here's my story:
As a heavy guy and a heavy toker I didn't have the time to wait for my system to cleanse and used U-pass Synthetic Urine to fake it. I crotched the fake piss bottle in my boxers and kept it warm with the little hand warmer it came with. I'm not gonna lie, i've never had adrenaline pounding so hard as i did in the testing place lobby. It sounds silly but I almost felt like I was in a spy movie, and after I pulled it off felt strangely exhilarated. I just got the job and still kinda buzzin on my little heist.

Do you have any crazy storiess???
sticking it to the Man
 

Marzbadrock

Plant of the Month: Sept 2015 - Nug of the Month: Jan 2016, May 2018
Not a drug test story but a crazy story....got thrown in jail for a Marijuana charge. I bitched n moaned that my shoulder was fucked up from the way the officer cuffed me, after a few days they decided they better bring me to hospital for a xray. The officer brought me in n waited til the nurse came n got us, brought me back to the xray room n the nurse told the officer ( huge fat bastard) that I couldn't be cuffed while getting xray. The officer removed my cuffs n as soon as it clicked off I ran like I never ran before, through the hospital til I found a fire exit n out I went! I was gone 3 days then turned myself in.....craziest thing is that no charges were filed!
 
Crazy to the point of almost losing my sanity... I got an unexpected call from a recruiter and for just such contingency I had ordered a bottle of Quik Fix in case. But I’ve never taken a drug test in America so I had no idea how it was conducted. Would they body-check me first? Would they witness me piss? How closely? In Japanese jail they tried to make me piss for one, but I can’t piss freely usually and having four cops witness me didn’t help. I couldn’t piss for them and swore I was clean. They didn’t take blood or hair either. They decided they didn’t need it.

The recruiter wants me to do it the next day so decide to pull an all-niter and hit the clinic at its weakest… opening. So, am I going to be able to pull this off? I’m dubious but first I need some info about test procedures. I search all I can on the net for info, but nobody describes the mundane. I have no idea how closely I'll be watched and I can’t find out. I’m going to have to prepare for the worst-case scenario.

For substitution strategy, women have a natural carrying case to keep the sample at proper temp. Just insert container into vaginal cavity. For a guy or “orifice-challenged person”, unless I’m going to carry it in and risk being caught, it’s going to have to go in the ass. Finally, I make the decision.

OK. I’m not a prior fan of sticking things up my ass, so this is going to be a learning experience. I consider the bottle shape, which is like no turd I’ve ever shit, so I’m guessing insertion and carrying would be uncomfortable. I wonder what the ladies use?

After considering it a while I decide that using a condom would work. It wouldn’t be too uncomfortable. I give it a test with a half-full condom of warm water. Mmmm, how to do this? Turns out it’s not so easy to squeeze a balloon of liquid through a sphincter. It tries to squirt away from the butthole every time when pressured. I’m committed now. Be a Man!

Here I am naked on the bathroom floor at 2am, greased up, cursing, contorting in circles, thinking this is surely one of the more bizarre scenes in my life. Finally, I manage to squeeze the entire condom into my ass. Good! But this only a test run. I manage to stand up and walk around. Not too bad. This could work. The tied off end sticks out of my butthole a bit. Fine. I go lay down for a while to give it a comfort test and body rest.

Now it’s time to practice retrieving the balloon. I keep in mind that part will be monitored. I just don’t know how close. So, as smoothly as possible I reach behind my back to my ass and feel around for the balloon. It slipped in pretty deep. I’m shoving around in there trying to reach it but I can’t! This is a major fucking problem! I can’t sound like I’m wrestling a boa in the toilet stall. Finally, I grasp the end and pull. Oh Jeez, it feels like I’m losing a load of after-birth! Breathing heavily, I slump beside the toilet and examine my prize.

I try to untie the balloon but can't. I see immediately that I will also need to bring a tool to open it with. The latex is tough. This has to be done right. There will be no explaining later popping a condom of urine all over myself. It’s crunch time. It’s approaching morning and it’s now or never.

So, I open the Quick Fix and poor it into a new, rinsed condom. I tie it off and this time I secure a 1-ft. a piece of string to it. Back to the bathroom floor to engage my bizarre procedure. At this point I’ve moved into the “experienced” column and can offer advice. First off, don’t use this method if you can just tape the bottle to your thigh. Turns out that method would have sufficed!

At this point I’m desperate, but fully committed. So once again I battle my own resolve to defy the laws of nature. Finally, after much grunting and thrashing, surely a terrible sight to see, I finally emerged victorious from the depths of my own colon. Panting heavily, I think that if one has a partner to help, then the difficult process of insertion can be assisted with the use of a gynecological speculum. Just open-up the hole and drop in the payload!

The worst part is over I hope. I stagger to my feet and walk around. Not bad. I’ll have to hide the string, so it goes from the butt, around the scrotum and onto my stomach. I can’t easily to secure the end, so just gather it in my crotch. For balloon-opening, I use some glue to affix a small blade within the coat-tail of my shirt.

Finally, I’m ready. Would the extraordinary lengths I’d gone to be for nothing? I drive to the clinic and I’m first in the door at 8am. I see the lab tech quickly. She’s young, cute and yes, annoyed at my early appearance as I hoped. I’m cautious. I look around for clues and feel the condom resting warmly down below. I’ve been able to walk naturally. She takes my bag and I hold out my arms a bit to be frisked. She’s surprised. The message that flashes across her face reads “Only in your disgusting middle-age man fantasies am I EVER groping around your sagging lumpy body." I shrug slightly. “Into the restroom there. You have five minutes. I need this much” she indicates on the cup as if she’s explaining for the fiftieth time to the same kid. She gives me the cup.

So, now I know what I couldn’t find on the net. There is no monitoring. Not for this level of test. So I quickly slip out the cargo and carefully slit the end of the latex. I manage to pour most into the cup. Stashing the condom once again around my junk, I zip up the pants and exit the restroom, cup in hand.

I hand her the cup. I have to apologize because it’s only half-full and she softly snorts her disapproval. Onto the counter goes the sample cup and she doesn’t even care about the temp. No thermometer. Not even touch check. She’s in a hurry. I look at the sample and inwardly grimace. The color isn’t right. It’s too bright! It’s yellow for sure but maybe I should see a kidney specialist? The moment of truth.

She turns and fills out the paperwork on the sample and I sign off as well. My part is done. I retrieve my bag and head for the door, but I’m not free yet. I start to feel the condom/string beginning to slither down my leg with each step. I barely make it to the car before it’s on my shoe. I should have tied it off to my underwear.

So, I make it home and all day I wait for any bad news. The recruiter calls twice and each time I brace for a problematic tone of voice. Bad news never comes and finally I realize that the lab tech dips the test paper soon after receiving the sample. All is good… this time.
 
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