A Depression Escape

Septumm

New Member
Well, I'm not really sure how to start this.
I guess I'll tell you about myself.
I'm 19 years old.
For the past 6 or so years I have fallen in to a deep depressive state.
Some people don't believe in depression, and I hope you are not one of them.. but if you are, I understand why you don't.
When I was 13 and first realized what I was feeling was 'depression', I had been sitting on my bed thinking to myself "Why am I here, I don't deserve to be".
I told my parents I wanted to commit suicide because I felt I was not worthy of breathing everyone's air.
I began seeing a therapist and was prescribed some pills (I honestly do not remember the name of them).
The first night I took these pills I woke up around 2am and was having problems breathing and started to have panic attacks which caused me to lay on the floor hyperventilating.
Since that day I have been completely against pills, and very afraid of them.
Now I know doctors are there to help, and I really respect them for this, but to create a pill that the first thing I read is "May increase risk of suicide"..
WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU GIVE THIS TO A 13 YEAR OLD WHO IS BATTLING DEPRESSION?
I quit seeing my therapist, I quit taking the pills, and I began doing research on my own.
My best friend, Cody, had been smoking since he was about 10 as he had an older sister (who was hot as fuck.. irrelevant but ya know) who was about 18 and provided him marijuana.
He never pressured me into smoking as I never knew what to think of it, in my mind the message "Drugs are bad" was drilled in.
Maybe it was just fear of my dad finding out because we didn't have the best relationship.
Well, one day I decided to try it and what do you know... it really was a life changing experience.
I have been smoking on and off since I was 13 and to say the least, it really has helped me through every single day of my life.
Every single day since I was 13 and was able to begin my day with a deep breath of smoke, I forced the thought in my head of "Everyday above ground is a good day".
Yes, this is a Scarface reference but it's the best way I could possibly explain it.
My self-esteem is incredibly low, and my depression is most definitely still living inside me, but marijuana really does help me through every day.
This is why I am deciding I'm ready to start growing my own, and I would love the chance to some day provide it to someone like myself to make sure their life isn't ended by something silly such as suicide.
So let me get to the point of writing all this bull shit..
I'm a 19 year old kid who has no goals in life and has no idea what in the fuck to do, but hey, what normal person my age does.. right? (hopefully)
Right now I work a shitty job fixing people's problems (to say the least), and it's beginning to drive me crazy.
For five days now I've stopped smoking to find myself a new job.
In this five days I've realized what marijuana really does for me.
It gives me an appetite and allows me to fill my stomach to a positive capacity, it allows me to force happy thoughts inside my own mind, and to say the least it kick starts my day in the right way.
For five days I have been sick after taking one bite of food, even if my stomach is absolutely killing me.
For five days I have been sick with my depression not allowing me to being social and acting.. "abnormal" (coming from two close friends).
Where I am located there isn't shit for jobs which just makes me feel even worse to be completely honest.
I want to find a place where I can get help for my issue and not have to be 100% sketched out because I smoke weed every single day and enjoy it although it is completely illegal.
No decriminalization where I live right now.
Where can I go to learn more about this medicine, to create this medicine, and to provide this medicine to people like myself?
I am dedicated to this, and I am saving my money for this.
I'm ready to escape the world I currently live in, and jump into the world I know I belong in.
My budget is tight to be honest, but it really is my goal to get help for myself and provide it to others, so any recommendations are greatly appreciated.
And to anyone of you who actually read through this entire post, I do thank you from the bottom of my heart.

tldr; where in the fuck is a good place to live that I can get my cannabis card, begin growing, and provide for people in the mental state of depression that I have been in, and am currently in? Also if you have any idea of a place that matches this and has a fair amount of jobs, even if its minimum wage, I would greatly appreciate the response once again.

If it's the wrong section for this type of thing, my apologies, please just let me know I'll remove it or get it in the correct place
 
Iv been battlin anxiety and depression too... I plan on replying to this thread with a huge paragraph :p i just dont have the time right this sec.. later tonite i will
 
Thanks I look forward to the response.
Also received a pm and will definitely look in to Santa Cruz area.
As far as tinctures (recommended in the pm) I will be picking up a kief box tomorrow to give it a try!
 
I know how you feel.

I've battled with depression, self-mutilation, and a general feeling of self worthlessness. I'm anxious, over-analytic, and I suffer from mood swings that can make Mr. Hyde jealous. The one thing that can help me, in any circumstance, is smoking. When I'm high, I smile for no reason, I actually find the bright side of things (I'm very pessimistic), and everyday tasks are made happier. I can say honestly, that I know where you're coming from. :thumb:
 
I can truly relate, I have social anxiety disorder, several personality disorders, depression, panic attacks and chronic migraines:( I cant handle the medications, side effects always seem to suck and I end up feeling worse. Smoking really seems to work for me levels everything out without the horrific side effects of pills :rollit:
 
for a full year I was prescribed a bunch of different things to alleviate my symptoms of depression and anxiety. I've seen a therapist twice a week and because my schedule was constantly changing sometimes once a week until I landed a job that was over 70 hrs a week. During this time I was taking gabapentin, brupopion, zoloft, cymbalta, clonadine (for sleep to get off ambiem i was prescribed), xanex, and clonozpem. I've reallllllyyyyy tried it and tried to believe that these meds will take the edge off and have me in a more positive state of mind along with the talk therapy. my illness had gotten to the point where I was having a hard time breathing at night and it made me have panic attacks due to the fact it felt as though an elephant was stepping on my chest and I'd sleep maybe 3 hrs at maximum. I ended up having worse thoughts like I didn't want to live because I felt no purpose in my life. I continued taking the pills after not being in therapy and realizing that I was not doing better taking well over 1200 mg of gabapentin, two 10 mg of clonadine at night (which worked for the first few months) and taking a depression med twice a day. I ended up finally smoking after a particularly stressful day at work after not smoking for a really long time and smoking marijuana had done in two puffs that all these pills over a year hadn't which was letting me brush the bad day off my shoulders and I let go of what was bothering me. Smoking helps me destress and not over analyze everything I've done that day or any day. It puts me in a peaceful and calm state that the pills that were prescribed to me were supposed to do. I've tried many alternatives because people look down and frown upon using an illegal drug such as marijuana. My family has a history of suicide which my biological father was successful and his older brother my uncle (who I live with now) just recently made an attempt. Clearly, doctors are right that depression and anxiety are genetic. I also have lived a rough life when I was younger and I was in DCYF and had an extemely abusive mother with incredible illnesses, addiction, personality disorders and more. (im not looking for pity but i feel this info is crucial to finding a solution to what I battle and family battles on a daily basis). my fathers entire family all take the meds I've been prescribed and they are highly dependent on clonozpem, xanex (in particular) and one of my uncles is an opiate addict. So, as I have grown up around them and I see that the meds they take have no positive result. these meds have left them highly addicted and incredibly still depressed. The more and more research I do, I find that I don't even necessarily have to smoke because doctors will say smoking marijuana can be just as damaging as smoking a cigarette which I don't doubt but if I was prescribed mm I'd chose to eat it in food. I've heard doctors say that people will abuse marijuana because of the slow inhale and slow exhale and the breathing is what may help with anxiety ( I do yoga breathing and practice it twice a week along with a 30 to 45 min cardio workout) working out and practicing yoga does help my self esteem but it does not solve the extremely fast pace thoughts that put me into a very scared, depressed and anxious state of mind. I feel EXTREMELY cornered because I've done talk therapy, taken all meds "proven to subside symptoms of anxiety and depresssion" (to only find out these meds made it a lot worse for me and no positive result for family members). I smoke it illegally and feel extremely uncomfortable about doing so. Both, my therapist and PCP (primary care physician) don't believe in mm being effective for my symptoms. I live in RI and I know there are a handful of doctors that prescribe mm but, I am once again in a pickle because I feel as though I will hear that I am another young twenty something year old seeking to smoke legally which is true to an extent but, I am really looking to take mm for my symptoms of depression and anxiety and I have been smoking on and off since I turned 19 years old and smoking has been my only successful trial of subsiding my anxiety and depression. Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I should do???
 
I am currently in Idaho but was previously in Colorado. I know that in Colorado you can schedule an appointment with a doctor at a mm dispensary that will definitely help you get it if everything you are saying is legit and there is some 'proof'. Which since you have been prescribed those medications I'm sure that you've seen plenty of doctors or at least one enough times for him/her to be a reference, not directly for the medical card but just for whatever doctor you decide to try and see to get the card because that would probably help. Not sure if Rhode Island is decriminalized or what they might be but if they are trying calling a dispensary and explain to them your situation and let them know you haven't gotten your card and just want some more info, any legit dispensary actually trying to care for a patient I would imagine is gonna be down to help you out or give you any info you need. Could always look at moving to another place as well. I'm tired of Idaho so will be going back to Colorado as they have better marijuana that's trustworthy and dispensaries so I don't have to worry about transporting (although I rarely do, usually only smoke at home). Just never give up!
 
I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety for about 6 months now. The first 3 months were awful. I constantly took Xanax to fall asleep at night and it became very addictive, meaning I could not sleep without it. I didn't like the feeling and decided to go cold turkey on the Xanax.

For me, the anxiety feeling was much worse than the depression. This is where marijuana really helped and in turn also helped with the depression.

Please keep in mind that people that use marijuana for medicinal purposes(and may be offended by this) may not call it a "drug," but it still is. It can also be addictive. I will also caution you in mixing "drugs". Especially Xanax and marijuana and/or alcohol.

The point being, please be careful. I have never had suicidal thoughts while using marijuana and my anxiety attacks are pretty much non-existent.

Find what works for you. The simple tasks of maintaing a garden can be soothing in itself. The worst thing, in my experience, for someone with anxiety and/or depression is free time. I think growing and "medicating" can help.

Keep us posted and please be safe. I think you will find this to be a very friendly and supportive community for you outlet.
 
yes RI did pass and I think there are about three dispensaries here now..I will definitely call to see what can be done. Thank you so much for the info!! I really appreciate it!
 
yes RI did pass and I think there are about three dispensaries here now..I will definitely call to see what can be done. Thank you so much for the info!! I really appreciate it!

For sure let me know how it goes!
 
I do believe your right with the "addictive" or "dependency" on marijuana, but I stopped smoking a month or so before seeing a doctor because I did research and had read up on how you shouldn't smoke marijuana during the use of antidepressants and anxiety meds because the meds won't have a successful results and I truly wanted the prescribed meds to work. Then I stopped taking the prescribed meds from my psychiatrist when I started smoking again (I wined off from all of my meds slowly because everything I was prescribed could have terrible effects if you didn't do it slowly and carefully.) point is I had minor "withdrawal" symptoms when I stopped smoking, but when I wined off of the meds prescribed (and was not smoking) my withdrawals from the prescribed meds were terrible although I was under my psychiatrist care while withdrawing and we came to a match point because my doc couldn't figure out why none of what she prescribed me didn't work and made it worse and I became very fed up because I know my body and my body did not react well to anything prescribed to me (as it has had no positive effect on any of my older family members). I've had more suicidal thoughts while being on antidepressants and no suicidal thoughts period while using marijuana. I don't know if it may be my family genetics because not any of the meds I've mentioned have helped with depression or anxiety with in my family and both my father (who was successful in suicide) used those meds prescribed to him to commit suicide along with alcohol and well as my uncle my biological fathers brother (who THANK THE HEAVENS WAS NOT SUCCESSFUL) used the same meds to try to commit his suicide (he does not drink alcohol as my biological father did) which I know was part of the reason he was not successful. It to me seeing each one of my family members not having any success while taking antidepressants and anxiety meds and me doing a trial and error for about 5 years now both with talk therapy and full year of all kinds of antidepressants and anxiety meds and trials of not smoking period and working out (yoga/cardio) which helped my self esteem a bit but did not subside the racing thoughts and as much as I worked out it didn't help when I tried to sleep and the only combination that has worked for me has been working out along with smoking. If marijuana was legalized and there were psycho therapists out there that did believe in positive effects of using mm for depressions and anxiety (for some because marijuana isn't for everyone) I think the combo of workouts/mm/and talk therapy would be the perfect recipe for my body to have better quality of life. Thanks for your support and cautions!!! greatly appreciate them and I will keep you all posted if I am able to obtain MM.
 
I hear you I am right there with the depression. It is so frustrating when people don't understand they just think it's like one of their bad days. My SIL says "everyone has hard times in their lives, you just have to be positive and pull through it" I say what you don't understand is everything can be going great and I wake up out of a deep sleep with thoughts to kill myself. There is nothing specifically wrong my brain isn't working right! If a diabetic was needing something to eat because their blood sugar is low you wouldn't say well tell your body to make more insulin! It's frustrating!!
 
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