PTSD by Anonymous: A Single Mother's Story

Julie Gardener

New Member
PTSD by Anonymous​

I am 31 years old and a single mother of two girls, ages 4 and 5. I was first diagnosed with PTSD when I was 29 years old, although I had obvious symptoms beginning at the age of 16. I had suffered from extreme abuse as a child, including mental, physical, emotional, and sexual, and also severe neglect. When I began to have intimate relations with males, I noticed having severe reactions to situations revolving around sexuality and/or violence. I did not have the awareness at that age of the traumas that I had suffered. I did not even know what trauma was.

Over a period of ten years or so, I began to realize that I was having specific problems in areas that other people seemed perfectly okay with - I could not go to movies that were violent or had sexual content, especially depictions of rape or incest or infidelity, without having reactions so severe that I would actually have to leave the theatre. I had difficulty maintaining close friendships where trust was involved. Just the thought that the person I was intimate with might be even mentally unfaithful would sink me into deep depression. Also, although I had never given it much thought, I had bowel movements only once every 5 or 6 days, sometimes longer.

I began using marihuana recreationally at age 16, and continued occasional use until about the age of 26, at which point I began to smoke it each evening. I could not watch television or go to movies, and marihuana seemed like a harmless way to fight boredom. I still did not know at that time why I had such severe reactions to the content of media. All I knew was that I didn't want to have anything to do with it because it made me so upset. After a few failed relationships and people telling me I was crazy all of the time, I found myself with two toddlers and in another failing relationship. I had been home every day for 3 years raising the babies and getting testier and testier. I found myself becoming abusive with the children. Sometimes the exact phrases my mother had used on me and my siblings would come out of my mouth seemingly of their own accord. Luckily I had the presence of mind to seek professional help at that point. I began therapy and remained in it for about 2 years.

I was prescribed Neurontin and Prozac. The Neurontin made me very sleepy and the Prozac made me manic. I began doing things I ordinarily would not do, such as staying out all night, drinking heavily, getting into dangerous situations. I think the Prozac did help me through a difficult breakup by alleviating depression, but I did not feel that I was really ME. I felt like I was some other person who really didn't care about anything except having a good time. So I stopped both the Neurontin and the Prozac in an attempt to regain control of my life. I continued my use of marihuana.

At this point in my life, age 31, I feel pretty in control of my situation. The children are very happy and well. I am back in school. Marihuana is an extremely helpful medication for me. I can sleep fairly well at night, whereas without it I am lucky to get 3 or 4 hours at best. The things my children do are cute rather than intensely irritating. I have a bowel movement every day. I can think clearly and rationally. I make good decisions, both for myself and for my children. I experience both increased sexual desire and enjoyment. I am calm. I am okay with hanging out at the house. I can accept my limitations without becoming depressed. I can be happy. I can be silly. I can be fun. When I am confronted with a situation that engages my fight or flight response, I can take a few puffs from a joint and deal with the situation calmly, kindly, lovingly, expressively. No, marihuana does not make my problems go away. But having the ability to control my thoughts, and thus my reactions, in combination with being able to sleep at night, certainly makes me a much better mother. And THAT is what matters most.

Source: Comments and Observations
 
Empathy to you. i am never done being shocked even at 43 years old at how people treat one another. Especially how quik we are as adults to think that adulthood gives us power or rights over others that have been put into our charge for whatever length of time they are there. Good to here you sought help and that you found Mary jane. Anyway, try to remember to look for the good things cause you know all to well that there is enough bad being given out freely. i have found that playing with my grandbaby and staying my ass put on the farm is there best cure for my ptsd. The farm work alone is enough for two lifetimes not including 3 kids(1 of them in college),mother in law,grandbaby,wife,pigs,sheep,ducks,geese,chickens,goats,steers,way more than i have time to go out even tryin to deal with the rest of the world. Besides, i do not want to try and figure out whom is ok or not. Good luck, Richie
 
Bless your :green_heart: I to suffered similar abuses as well & I can truly identify with what you deal with in a simple day in the life. Personally I've found Growing & Learning more and more about it. I'm truly fortunate to be where I was born and raised In Southern Ontario Canada. Toronto area. Here I've been fortunate enough to have a Family Doctor whom listened and truly helped me to get my Medical Marijuana Prescription of 3 gr. per day. I'd been through some pretty nasty situations with police and I started smoking Marijuana at age 13 in grade 8 with My BFF whom was a super cool hippie kid whom lived 2 doors from the house I grew up in. His Mom & Dad basically adopted me into said Family unit. I was the only friend Randy ever had Inside the Hippie House & or Garage and School Bus turned into a camper/party cruiser. In the front above the Drivers windshield where Destination or school name would be was a home made sign that said The Iatohla is an Assahola & on the back read Hooterville Express The Iran gig was going on at said time to give you an exact decade & months at least eh? lol. sorry for the shoddy spelling I just had to chime in here from 1 survivalist 2 another, By the time I was 19 I was charged for possession of Marijuana at least 16 times by the time I approached my Family Physician if I'd been caught with even a gram of weed I'd get like 6 months jail time. Imagine my relief when I got my Legal Proof to Possess & Use any form of Cannabis extracts & or edibles etc.etc. Oh and my Huge Relief when I didn't have to worry about my 22 yr old Daughter losing her future and or ability to travel to Many,Many Destinations of our Planet due to simply Medicating with Marijuana. I literally got all choked up when my Daughter told me she'd gotten her Medical Marijuana Prescription as well last year. I've also been blessed with a 19 year old Son whom hates anything alcohol and or all mood and mind altering substances. Still in school too. Well I not only suffered abuse at the hands of adults in childhood but also as an adolescent & right up to the age of 21 at which time I was beaten to Death in my New Apartment after a Housewarming party. I know right. The ambulance crew told the police officers on scene that I barely had a pulse and by the time they loaded me into the ambulance they couldn't feel any pulse. DOA for real. Somehow a trauma surgeon found a slight pulse and they Crash Carted me & here I am typing just 1 of my P.T.S.D. I feel it very justifiable that I share as we all should-
-The REAL DEAL My Dad always said "Stay Real, Stay Loyal or Stay Away from Me" Mom would always joke that -
- "The Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side Eh" Now I Personally make darn certain that there is always Sweet Green Grass On THIS side too! I stumbled onto your profile and had to at least say, "Bravo for being Brave enough to share the REAL DEAL here and in doing so helping Sooooo, many Others Breathe a sigh of Ahhhh, I'm NOT ALONE" Bless your free spirited Heart & I Truly hope this reply finds you & yours in the Best of Health & Spirits. Sincerely: Don D. :Namaste: :Namaste: :green_heart:
 
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