Passing your Urine Analysis
by Alex420 - 2/16/05
I’d like to start off by saying I am in no way justifying or encouraging the process of illegally attempting to change or alter your court-ordered urine analysis (UA) drug screens. If you are on court-ordered probation and are required to stop smoking then that is what you legally should do unless you are willing to accept the consequences of possible “attempt to defraud a drug test” charges which can result in you serving the rest of your probation time behind bars with even more charges and fines pending.
Let’s go over a little bit about Urine Analysis’, also known as ‘piss tests’. A lot of companies these days use these tests to determine who they will and will not hire to work for their company, based on how much THC content (and other drugs) are detected in their urine. The amount of THC is measured in nanograms or ng/ml. Courts also order criminals to not have THC in their systems and test them using this method.
There is always a certain amount of ng/ml allowed before a “cut-off” point is reached and the subject fails the test. Typically this number is set at around 20, although some home tests have been known to be higher (up to 50 ng/ml) and some military/high tech lab tests are cut off at as low as 5-10 ng/ml.
That said, let’s cut straight to the chase. There are three ways to successfully pass a urine analysis after smoking marijuana:
To properly ‘cleanse’ your body in order to pass a UA, you must effectively remove enough THC metabolites from your fat cells (where they are stored) to urinate less THC ng/ml than your cut-off point.
This, obviously, is the most time consuming and most difficult way of passing a UA.
THC metabolites are released from fat cells and into the urine stream when the fat cells are burnt. Your body naturally burns fat even as you breathe. This process can be quickened by intense cardiovascular exercise; eating healthy; drinking water, cranberry juice, Gatorade or any diuretic that makes you piss a lot; or taking fat-burning drugs like Niacin.
“Now, how long will this take?” you ask. That all depends on your body and how much you smoke. Every person burns fat at different speeds. This is called your metabolism. Some people have fast metabolism, some have it slow, and some are in between. Ever had a weight problem? If so, it’s most likely because of your metabolism. If you can’t gain weight even if you wanted to, you’re fast. If you can’t lose a pound after starving yourself for days, you’re running slow.
People with extremely fast metabolisms have often been known to completely cleanse their bodies within a week by drinking tons of water and exercising up to a few days before their test. This is rare, though.
If you’re a bit overweight, have a slow metabolism, or smoke heavily, you can expect it to take up to 1 or even 2 months in some cases.
WARNING: Do not attempt to burn fat a day or two before your test! This will obviously release THC into your urine stream even more concentrated than before, thus increasing your chances of failing your test.
This leads us to our next method, known as Dilution. Diluting your urine is a process in which you thin out your urine sample with a liquid. Whether this liquid be a “super magic detox potion” or just plain water, it doesn’t really matter. All that matters is that you cause the THC metabolites in your urine to be less concentrated, thus falling below the cut-off point of ng/ml.
Now, there are a few problems with this. Most standard drug tests done by labs (employment and court-ordered UA’s) have caught on to this method. They also test for a natural chemical your body releases with it’s urine called creatine. If you don’t have enough creatine in your urine sample, the test results will show it and you will be forced to take your test over again.
Don’t worry -- where there is a will there is a way out. You can go to any nutrition store, such as GNC, and buy creatine in pill form. If I’m not mistaken there are actual creatine pills you can take, or you can just buy a bottle of Vitamin B and take those. However -- keep in mind that creatine is not immediately used in the body and will need sometimes up to 2 days to fully process. So a good rule of thumb is to start taking your pills before the 2-day mark (a week is good!)
One more thing! Aspirin has been proven to trigger false-negatives on occasion. Not Tylenol, not Advil, not Ibuprofen. Plain ol’ aspirin. You can find it at any drug store/super market with all the other OTC meds.
Here’s the good part about this method -- you don’t even have to worry about it (other than the creatine levels mentioned before) until test day!
- Starting about 2 hours before your test, drink a quart of water. Take 2-4 aspirin.
- 1 hour later, drink another quart. 2-3 more aspirin.
- 1/2 hour later, drink 2 quarts of water. Take 1-2 aspirin.
Taking Rolaids/Tums during this period has also been known to help with covering up the dilution process to the labs.
WARNING: Do not piss your first piss of the day into the cup! Do not piss the first part of your stream into the cup! Do not piss the last part of your stream into the cup! Catch the middle, the cleanest.
This is often the easiest way of passing a UA. Substitution is a method where you substitute your urine altogether for another sample. Whether this sample is synthetic (you can buy synthetic urine all over the internet) or a smoke-free friend’s, it doesn’t matter. As long as it’s clean.
“How the hell do I go about switching out urine?” you ask. Well, the easiest things in life are not always the simplest.
If you’re taking a pre-employment drug screen: These tests are usually not monitored, therefore no one will be watching you, so your options of how you switch out the urine are unlimited. Some people store the urine in small containers, hidden in their underwear (you will most likely be asked to empty your pockets beforehand!). There are also products on the market like the Urinator which allow for swifter delivery of the drug-free urine sample by providing a strap-on battery-powered device that distributes a urine sample through a tube which you hold through your zipper hole.
If you’re taking a court-ordered drug screen: These tests are almost always monitored. Sometimes your PO will stand behind you and not even watch, but often he will stare right at you or at a mirror strategically positioned so he/she can see every bit of your manhood/womanhood. This makes substitution much more complicated. I know of only one product that can help in this situation, called the Whizzinator (not related to the Urinator). This product is similar to the Urinator, in a way, but instead of a tube the Whizzinator uses an actual prosthetic penis which looks very realistic to distribute it’s urine.
Urinator vs. Whizzinator
When it comes down to it, you really can’t compare these two products. Both are $150. One uses a battery powered tube, the other uses a hand-powered prosthetic penis. This obviously means the Urinator is more ideal for the unmonitored, pre-employment type drug screen; while the Whizzinator is ideal for the monitored UA’s.
There is, however, one BIG difference between the two: their methods of heating the urine. The temperature of the urine sample is VERY important, because almost ALL sample cups you piss into have a small thermometer on them telling the lab tech. if the urine is body temperature or not. Generally, if the temperature is much under or over body temp. (98 degrees) you will be asked to give another sample.
The Whizzinator uses something called heat pads to warm the urine, which are less reliable than the Urinator’s electric/battery-powered heating system, which guarantees you a 98 degree sample. The Whizzinator is also notorious for a “clicking” noise that is made when you have to manually open a valve which dispenses the urine from the prosthetic penis. Some people have even been caught because of this. I can not stress this enough with both devices: PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT. You gotta do what you gotta do.
When it comes down to it, these are the only guaranteed ways to pass a UA. For every person that claims this drink works, that pill works, etc, etc, there are an equal amount of people crying because theirs didn’t. If you are willing to take your chance, then so be it, but please at least make sure you follow the directions completely. And don’t be surprised when you don’t get that 200% money-back guarantee that company promised you on it’s $50 bottle of “s00per MAGICK detoxxx potion” after you fail miserably.
Thanks for reading. This is my first write-up on 420times in my 4-some-odd years of browsing this awesome forum, and I figured I’d pay my respects with something I have done a LOT of research on and have experienced myself (I am currently serving 2 years of monitored probation).
I’m open to any suggestions for future write-ups, and if you need some good drug test links I have them. Just let me know.
[EDIT] Mods, feel free to move this to the FAQ forum if you feel it's necessary! [/EDIT]