420 Magazine Background

Desperate measures with little information to go on

Many interesting stories in this feed and lots of good information here. I got an unexpected call from a recruiter and for just such contingency I had ordered a bottle of Quik Fix in case. But I’ve never taken a drug test in America so I had no idea how it was conducted. Would they body-check me first? Would they witness me piss? How closely? In Japanese jail they tried to make me piss for one, but I can’t piss freely usually and having four cops witness me didn’t help. I couldn’t piss for them and swore I was clean. They didn’t take blood or hair either. They decided they didn’t need it.

The recruiter wants me to do it the next day so decide to pull an all-niter and hit the clinic at its weakest… opening. So, am I going to be able to pull this off? I’m dubious but first I need some info about test procedures. I search all I can on the net for info, but nobody describes the mundane. I have no idea how closely I'll be watched and I can’t find out. I’m going to have to prepare for the worst-case scenario.

For substitution strategy, women have a natural carrying case to keep the sample at proper temp. Just insert container into vaginal cavity. For a guy or “orifice-challenged person”, unless I’m going to carry it in and risk being caught, it’s going to have to go in the ass. Finally, I make the decision.

OK. I’m not a prior fan of sticking things up my ass, so this is going to be a learning experience. I consider the bottle shape, which is like no turd I’ve ever shit, so I’m guessing insertion and carrying would be uncomfortable. I wonder what the ladies use?

After considering it a while I decide that using a condom would work. It wouldn’t be too uncomfortable. I give it a test with a half-full condom of warm water. Mmmm, how to do this? Turns out it’s not so easy to squeeze a balloon of liquid through a sphincter. It tries to squirt away from the butthole every time when pressured. I’m committed now. Be a Man!

Here I am naked on the bathroom floor at 2am, greased up, cursing, contorting in circles, thinking this is surely one of the more bizarre scenes in my life. Finally, I manage to squeeze the entire condom into my ass. Good! But this only a test run. I manage to stand up and walk around. Not too bad. This could work. The tied off end sticks out of my butthole a bit. Fine. I go lay down for a while to give it a comfort test and body rest.

Now it’s time to practice retrieving the balloon. I keep in mind that part will be monitored. I just don’t know how close. So, as smoothly as possible I reach behind my back to my ass and feel around for the balloon. It slipped in pretty deep. I’m shoving around in there trying to reach it but I can’t! This is a major fucking problem! I can’t sound like I’m wrestling a boa in the toilet stall. Finally, I grasp the end and pull. Oh Jeez, it feels like I’m losing a load of after-birth! Breathing heavily, I slump beside the toilet and examine my prize.

I try to untie the balloon but can't. I see immediately that I will also need to bring a tool to open it with. The latex is tough. This has to be done right. There will be no explaining later popping a condom of urine all over myself. It’s crunch time. It’s approaching morning and it’s now or never.

So, I open the Quick Fix and poor it into a new, rinsed condom. I tie it off and this time I secure a 1-ft. a piece of string to it. Back to the bathroom floor to engage my bizarre procedure. At this point I’ve moved into the “experienced” column and can offer advice. First off, don’t use this method if you can just tape the bottle to your thigh. Turns out that method would have sufficed!

At this point I’m desperate, but fully committed. So once again I battle my own resolve to defy the laws of nature. Finally, after much grunting and thrashing, surely a terrible sight to see, I finally emerged victorious from the depths of my own colon. Panting heavily, I think that if one has a partner to help, then the difficult process of insertion can be assisted with the use of a gynecological speculum. Just open-up the hole and drop in the payload!

The worst part is over I hope. I stagger to my feet and walk around. Not bad. I’ll have to hide the string, so it goes from the butt, around the scrotum and onto my stomach. I can’t easily to secure the end, so just gather it in my crotch. For balloon-opening, I use some glue to affix a small blade within the coat-tail of my shirt.

Finally, I’m ready. Would the extraordinary lengths I’d gone to be for nothing? I drive to the clinic and I’m first in the door at 8am. I see the lab tech quickly. She’s young, cute and yes, annoyed at my early appearance as I hoped. I’m cautious. I look around for clues and feel the condom resting warmly down below. I’ve been able to walk naturally. She takes my bag and I hold out my arms a bit to be frisked. She’s surprised. The message that flashes across her face reads “Only in your disgusting middle-age man fantasies am I EVER groping around your sagging lumpy body." I shrug slightly. “Into the restroom there. You have five minutes. I need this much” she indicates on the cup as if she’s explaining for the fiftieth time to the same kid. She gives me the cup.

So, now I know what I couldn’t find on the net. There is no monitoring. Not for this level of test. So I quickly slip out the cargo and carefully slit the end of the latex. I manage to pour most into the cup. Stashing the condom once again around my junk, I zip up the pants and exit the restroom, cup in hand.

I hand her the cup. I have to apologize because it’s only half-full and she softly snorts her disapproval. Onto the counter goes the sample cup and she doesn’t even care about the temp. No thermometer. Not even touch check. She’s in a hurry. I look at the sample and inwardly grimace. The color isn’t right. It’s too bright! It’s yellow for sure but maybe I should see a kidney specialist? The moment of truth.

She turns and fills out the paperwork on the sample and I sign off as well. My part is done. I retrieve my bag and head for the door, but I’m not free yet. I start to feel the condom/string beginning to slither down my leg with each step. I barely make it to the car before it’s on my shoe. I should have tied it off to my underwear.

So, I make it home and all day I wait for any bad news. The recruiter calls twice and each time I brace for a problematic tone of voice. Bad news never comes and finally I realize that the lab tech dips the test paper soon after receiving the sample. All is good… this time.

I don’t think this is going to be an acceptable, long-term solution for me. I know I can get sample urine into the test and that it passed some standard for urine authenticity this time, but it was only half the requested amount and the color was off. Surely the lab tech could have blown it but instead chose the fastest way back to her morning coffee. I passed the test this time and learned a lot about testing in general, but it seems it’s just a matter of time. Either I need to find an industry/state that doesn’t discriminate against medical marijuana users or else get used to living without.
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Member of the Month: May 2009, Oct 2010, Sept 2017
I think I stumbled into the wrong forum... :rolleyes: .
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