420
Founder
I have a brilliant plan that will save tax dollars, please hippies, increase tax revenue, kidney-punch organized crime and significantly shorten lines at the grocery store.
We legalize marijuana, tax the hell out of it and then add a lot of sterility drugs.
Every voting demographic can find something to love about this plan. Legal pot: Green Party, Libertarians, many Democrats. Taxing evil: Republicans. Sterility drugs: Me.
I estimate that the federal government blows $8 billion or so annually on prosecuting marijuana sales and possession. If Mary Jane were decriminalized, those same tax dollars could be spent on more worthwhile expenditures, like combating poverty or sending a chimpanzee to Titan.
If we let the IRS smack weed business around, we'll even generate some extra revenue. ( Better them than crime syndicates. Slightly. ) Think about how much money the government makes off of the tobacco and liquor industries every year. That's three or four more chimps we can shoot to Titan, or maybe even Europa.
Oklahoma itself produces a substantial amount of weed, albeit shoddy from what I've heard. The amount of revenue we would suddenly generate exporting weed to dumber states ( like Minnesota ) would be enormous. We could slap some tariffs on the trade and effectively do two things: thwart evil South American drug lords and put more money into state education. ( Or send our own chimp to Titan. There's really no way to know if we have sufficient revenue for a state space program until we acquire better economic projections. )
As I see it there are two major arguments against legalizing marijuana. The first argument is that marijuana is a gateway drug, and by legalizing it, we'll expose youth to worse drugs. The logic here is that most heavy drug users also smoke or have smoked marijuana, so it leads to even nastier stuff. The problem is that most heavy drug users also smoke cigarettes and drink, but neither tobacco nor alcohol are thought to tumble into acid trips.
Legalization might well have a reverse effect. By sanctioning marijuana, potheads wont have to go through illicit dealers and will therefore have less exposure to more horrific drugs. No one at the liquor store ever tries to get me hooked on ecstasy or hallucinogenic mushrooms when I'm standing in line to buy port.
The second argument is that, because marijuana will be more available, marijuana consumption will increase. This is a fair argument but, judging by the epidemic usage of marijuana regularly asserted by statistics, I'm inclined to give up on that $8 billion we fritter away each year and resume blasting apes into space.
We need to take a big-picture view of legalizing marijuana and also recall that we'll be loading it chock-full of gamete napalm. In one or two generations, only the sort of people who beat their children for trying drugs will actually have any, and the matter will resolve itself.
This brings me to my next point, which is that everyone needs to quit copulating so damn much. Have you ever been in line at Wal-Mart and thought, "Wow, I hope there are more people tomorrow?"
Me neither. I think, "Man, I hope all of these people are barren. I'll probably be in this miserable line next year and folks are living longer nowadays."
I have been informed that chronic use of marijuana lowers sperm count. That's not what I'm talking about when I say "sterility drugs." For one thing, women don't even have sperm, so it's not helping them much. If you've ever kissed a pothead, you know that he or she tastes like traif, but that won't deter most men.
No, when I say "sterility drugs," I mean something that will obliterate any chance of procreation for at least a decade. We'll add chemicals that will, when taken in the right dosage ( say, one bowl a day over a two day period ), eliminate reproductive possibilities for experimental college students until they enter their mid-30s.
This might sound a little harsh, or suspiciously like a eugenics program, but are there really that many potheads who are going to care? I bet if you told most reefers that their grass wards off pregnancy they'd say, "Awesome!" and then go eat some Cheetos. I've never seen someone get high whilst reading Dr. Spock.
The only foreseeable downside is that, what with all of the stoners smoking their legacies into oblivion, there could be some kind of national demographic shift in population. Certain groups will smoke more and others will smoke little to nothing. That's why we should go ahead and deport 10 to 20 percent of the Baptists and Mormons to keep them from ganging up on us.
Probably to Canada, but someday, with a lot of hard work, to Titan.
Source: Oklahoma Daily, The (U of Oklahoma, OK Edu)
Contact: dailyopinion@ou.edu
Copyright: 2005 The Oklahoma Daily
Website: oudaily.com | The independent student voice of the University of Oklahoma since 1916
We legalize marijuana, tax the hell out of it and then add a lot of sterility drugs.
Every voting demographic can find something to love about this plan. Legal pot: Green Party, Libertarians, many Democrats. Taxing evil: Republicans. Sterility drugs: Me.
I estimate that the federal government blows $8 billion or so annually on prosecuting marijuana sales and possession. If Mary Jane were decriminalized, those same tax dollars could be spent on more worthwhile expenditures, like combating poverty or sending a chimpanzee to Titan.
If we let the IRS smack weed business around, we'll even generate some extra revenue. ( Better them than crime syndicates. Slightly. ) Think about how much money the government makes off of the tobacco and liquor industries every year. That's three or four more chimps we can shoot to Titan, or maybe even Europa.
Oklahoma itself produces a substantial amount of weed, albeit shoddy from what I've heard. The amount of revenue we would suddenly generate exporting weed to dumber states ( like Minnesota ) would be enormous. We could slap some tariffs on the trade and effectively do two things: thwart evil South American drug lords and put more money into state education. ( Or send our own chimp to Titan. There's really no way to know if we have sufficient revenue for a state space program until we acquire better economic projections. )
As I see it there are two major arguments against legalizing marijuana. The first argument is that marijuana is a gateway drug, and by legalizing it, we'll expose youth to worse drugs. The logic here is that most heavy drug users also smoke or have smoked marijuana, so it leads to even nastier stuff. The problem is that most heavy drug users also smoke cigarettes and drink, but neither tobacco nor alcohol are thought to tumble into acid trips.
Legalization might well have a reverse effect. By sanctioning marijuana, potheads wont have to go through illicit dealers and will therefore have less exposure to more horrific drugs. No one at the liquor store ever tries to get me hooked on ecstasy or hallucinogenic mushrooms when I'm standing in line to buy port.
The second argument is that, because marijuana will be more available, marijuana consumption will increase. This is a fair argument but, judging by the epidemic usage of marijuana regularly asserted by statistics, I'm inclined to give up on that $8 billion we fritter away each year and resume blasting apes into space.
We need to take a big-picture view of legalizing marijuana and also recall that we'll be loading it chock-full of gamete napalm. In one or two generations, only the sort of people who beat their children for trying drugs will actually have any, and the matter will resolve itself.
This brings me to my next point, which is that everyone needs to quit copulating so damn much. Have you ever been in line at Wal-Mart and thought, "Wow, I hope there are more people tomorrow?"
Me neither. I think, "Man, I hope all of these people are barren. I'll probably be in this miserable line next year and folks are living longer nowadays."
I have been informed that chronic use of marijuana lowers sperm count. That's not what I'm talking about when I say "sterility drugs." For one thing, women don't even have sperm, so it's not helping them much. If you've ever kissed a pothead, you know that he or she tastes like traif, but that won't deter most men.
No, when I say "sterility drugs," I mean something that will obliterate any chance of procreation for at least a decade. We'll add chemicals that will, when taken in the right dosage ( say, one bowl a day over a two day period ), eliminate reproductive possibilities for experimental college students until they enter their mid-30s.
This might sound a little harsh, or suspiciously like a eugenics program, but are there really that many potheads who are going to care? I bet if you told most reefers that their grass wards off pregnancy they'd say, "Awesome!" and then go eat some Cheetos. I've never seen someone get high whilst reading Dr. Spock.
The only foreseeable downside is that, what with all of the stoners smoking their legacies into oblivion, there could be some kind of national demographic shift in population. Certain groups will smoke more and others will smoke little to nothing. That's why we should go ahead and deport 10 to 20 percent of the Baptists and Mormons to keep them from ganging up on us.
Probably to Canada, but someday, with a lot of hard work, to Titan.
Source: Oklahoma Daily, The (U of Oklahoma, OK Edu)
Contact: dailyopinion@ou.edu
Copyright: 2005 The Oklahoma Daily
Website: oudaily.com | The independent student voice of the University of Oklahoma since 1916
