Hi from MD

C

crfjohn

New Member
Im crfjohn, I am from MD and have been smoking for decades, I have been treating myself for an undetermined mental disorder, I don't really fit in any category well and meds I have tried for depression , anxiety, possible bi-polar disorder have only given me negative side effects, its a shame that I like so many have had to choose between a useful mental health treatment and disobeying laws, I have taken the path of personal happiness and smoke.
I live in MD a med weed state but don't bother looking for a dispensary we just are not that advanced. I normally can maintain a supply but lately have not, it makes for hard times for me, lots of depression, desire not to exist, and just sick of it all attitude. I lost my wife to cancer 4.5 years ago, my loss has caused further downward spiral into my own mind of depression and despair. We were married for over 20 years, Im still very much in love with my wife, we never broke up, we were in love when she died and the love I hold for her lives in me and had given me enough hope to continue on in the world, although Im still not sure I really want to be here with out her.
That's my story , John
 
Great Intro! :welcome: John :high-five: try this :passitleft: you chose the best site to learn, share and most importantly (to me),

laugh while sharing & learning from my 420 friends. I'd like to chat about medical apps for my mother with you, she's ready to try canna for her back pain, she's never touched weed, but she's willing to try, I should have permit this month, to grow (legally) for her meds.

Feel free to drop by my indoor/outdoor journal aka "my yard" and say hello, ask anything you'd like, see a cool plant & hopefully,

share something with us, or share a comment. You will get a warm 420 welcome and I'm always happy to have a new visitor or

participator. The link is below, take a peek at "Fluxy Lady in full restraint", browse around, you'll see some

unique pics and informative shares, from new first time growers to some veteran, experienced growers, from all over the world.

This grow style you can see thru the link below, has produced many award winning plants here at 420.

Enjoy the 420 family we have here, you'll find no better site!:circle-of-love:
 
Welcome to the site. Sorry to hear about your wife and the way things have been for you. A lot of good people here, so if you need help with a grow or even just want somebody to talk to and vent, we're here for you. My grow is in my sig below, so stop by if you want, I'm growing but we talk about anything and everything in there. If not explore the site a little and have some fun. Either way, welcome to your new home!
 
Thanks for the welcome, I am from the 300$ a LB days, the days of Columbian Gold at 25$ an OZ. I have grown, sold and bought, I had a hydroponic grow in the 80s, my last on was in soil and was quite good.

I have been trapped in my world of anger, depression and grief for a long time, in the words of Pink Floyd " Nothing is very much fun anymore" my hobbies don't offer the same escape as before, my dogs give me a reason to get up in the morning and are friends who are always there for me. I doubt I would have survived the first year without them, my lifesavers. I guess you can be too close to another person for when they are gone the emptiness left behind seems unfillable, the life you are left with seems unlivable , I made a promise to my wife not to kill myself, a promise that has sustained me and caused me much regret.

I had a GF for a while a wonderful woman who although believes in alternative medicine could not cope with my need for medication, she got high when smoking, I become more normal, and it is hard for some to understand this. I am a weed addict no doubt, just like any other who needs medication for illness, I have found what works for me, unfortunately it isn't always available. Just like a diabetic could die from a lack of insulin, I could lose my battle to continue to exist without my meds, although it would be by my hand. In our closed minded short sighted world many suffer and many go untreated many go to jail.

I watched my Sarah die, I was holding her hand, when she passed. I was her primary caregiver for many months when she was sick with cancer, I saw it eat her alive, my beautiful beloved wife. I miss her so.
 
I believe I have had PTSD since I witnessed my sister being hit by a car on Christmas eve when I was 10, she was 12 we were crossing a busy street on our way home, she didn't see an oncoming car, I did, but I could not stop it from happening. She was hit and hurt pretty badly, broken leg and damaged other knee. I can see her slid up that hood hit the windshield and slide back off and tumble down the road. I can see it in my minds eye like it is happening again right now, I believe my thought process was forever changed that day.
My folks did the best they could with the situation, I was taken to a Christmas eve service while my sister was taken to the hospital. I sat and cried at that service worried about my sister wanting to be with her at the hospital.

I do enjoy smoking, I would be happy if I could have consistent relief from my mental pain without any buzz. I have enjoyed my successes in life, successes in growing my own supply, successes in meaningful relationships and my ability to achieve personal fulfillment from working other than monetary. Im a highly skilled welder, I can run beautiful consistent strong welds in any material and have worked in aerospace, racing, electronic and fabrication shops that were regarded as some of the best in the business. I'm planning on having a welding shop after I relocate later this year, it is good to have a plan, a dream, some hope.
 
We are glad that you are here at :420: crfjohn. :welcome: my friend. I am sorry to hear of your loss. We have some wonderful people here that have been through many painful experiences as well. I was hit by a car when I was 10. I only had to go to the hospital for stitches though. Many of us older folks understand where you are coming from. As we age we lose many close friends, relatives and people that we care about. We have some sage advice to give others that need help and moral support. The over 50 club in my signature is full of great people. You have friends here. You are part of our family now.

Here New Member Start Links is a link that has many good links that you may find interesting. You grew in soil last and it turned out good. So you are a grower and use the medicine for various ailments. I have ptsd also. I have been through a lot too. But it is our hopes and dreams that we have to look forward to that helps a lot of us. Looking toward a bright future and expecting good things to happen to us keeps us young. It is very nice that you have dogs. They love you and want you to feel better. Take care of yourself my friend. :peace: :Namaste:
 
Thanks everyone, I've lived in Md all my life I live near Sharpsburg now lots of flooding here last night and today.

I'm feeling better about Sarah and moving away from our home, I guess I'm beginning to better accept my situation as it is.

I'm almost unstuck
 
Hello John,

Welcome. I am xorry for your loss.Your story is one of pure love. A type of love I myself think I have for my sweetheart. You should always follow your heart as you are with your cannabis use. I use it myself for back pain and depression. I am here for you and am offering a olive branch so to speak. I respect the courage and love you display in your intoduction. Cheers to you and your love John
 

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