ambivalent
New Member
I used to smoke loads in my youth, and I was fine. Now it makes me feel kinda crazy.
Fucking hell... I've used drugs and/or alcohol all my life, and it's hard to let them go. Pretty much my whole existence has been one non-stop epic fail. Crazy mother, absent father, sister in care, homelessness, relationship problems, depression, lower-than-low self-esteem, crap jobs, stupid decisions, heartache, self-loathing... and, of course, I've muddled through it all in a haze of drink and drugs. It didn't matter how shit life was, because I had drugs, and drugs were good. Ecstasy, speed, cocaine, acid, pot, more kinds of research chemicals than I can remember, butane, nutmeg... even cough syrup, one particularly tragic new year's eve. Whatever was wrong in the world, drugs were there to take the edge off it for me.
I became unwell a few years ago though, lost my mind pretty badly in fact, and went into hospital for a while. Ever since then, drugs have been more of a struggle for me. I feel slightly unhinged at the best of times, and any drug, including weed, might push me towards madness.
So, drugs are quite uncomfortable for me now... but my brain *itches* for something, near enough every day. Most of the past year, I've stuck to moderate drinking. Alcohol doesn't mess with my head as much as drugs do. I've gained weight though, and I feel unhealthy when I drink. I also just don't enjoy it as much as I used to. That's why I've switched back to smoking weed again the past couple of months. Smoking weed, I feel physically healthier, but I feel mentally less healthy. I still feel stoned, which I always enjoyed, but now it's mixed with a bit of madness and paranoia.
I guess I've got to learn that all drugs and alcohol make me feel a bit unwell these days... but, man, that itch. How do you deal with that? A couple of days' sobriety, and I'm itching for a joint or a beer. Often, I don't even enjoy it very much, but I can't stop that itch.
I hadn't had a joint for a couple of days today, but, when I got a bag, I waited a couple of hours before skinning up. In the past, I would have been straight in there, but today I was apprehensive. I'm always apprehensive these days. Right enough, soon after I lit it up, I felt slightly crazy.
I wonder if I'll ever pack it all in...
Fucking hell... I've used drugs and/or alcohol all my life, and it's hard to let them go. Pretty much my whole existence has been one non-stop epic fail. Crazy mother, absent father, sister in care, homelessness, relationship problems, depression, lower-than-low self-esteem, crap jobs, stupid decisions, heartache, self-loathing... and, of course, I've muddled through it all in a haze of drink and drugs. It didn't matter how shit life was, because I had drugs, and drugs were good. Ecstasy, speed, cocaine, acid, pot, more kinds of research chemicals than I can remember, butane, nutmeg... even cough syrup, one particularly tragic new year's eve. Whatever was wrong in the world, drugs were there to take the edge off it for me.
I became unwell a few years ago though, lost my mind pretty badly in fact, and went into hospital for a while. Ever since then, drugs have been more of a struggle for me. I feel slightly unhinged at the best of times, and any drug, including weed, might push me towards madness.
So, drugs are quite uncomfortable for me now... but my brain *itches* for something, near enough every day. Most of the past year, I've stuck to moderate drinking. Alcohol doesn't mess with my head as much as drugs do. I've gained weight though, and I feel unhealthy when I drink. I also just don't enjoy it as much as I used to. That's why I've switched back to smoking weed again the past couple of months. Smoking weed, I feel physically healthier, but I feel mentally less healthy. I still feel stoned, which I always enjoyed, but now it's mixed with a bit of madness and paranoia.
I guess I've got to learn that all drugs and alcohol make me feel a bit unwell these days... but, man, that itch. How do you deal with that? A couple of days' sobriety, and I'm itching for a joint or a beer. Often, I don't even enjoy it very much, but I can't stop that itch.
I hadn't had a joint for a couple of days today, but, when I got a bag, I waited a couple of hours before skinning up. In the past, I would have been straight in there, but today I was apprehensive. I'm always apprehensive these days. Right enough, soon after I lit it up, I felt slightly crazy.
I wonder if I'll ever pack it all in...