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Trama ALERT 
Short Story: Mum carked it 8 years ago today
Long Story: So most of you know, my mum overdosed and died on an oxy ordine Johnny Walker mix. It could have been deliberate, it could have been accidental. I’ll never know and I’ll spend my life wondering.
So first up. Pain. If you suffer with chronic pain. Oxy is not the drug for you. Morphine/fentanyl are great drugs for short term pain or palliative comfort. The more you focus on pain, the more your brain thinks that is what you want. This in turn makes you hypersensitive to pain. I understand this. I’m an ex heroin addict, hammer is the ultimate pain relief. My first two years clean I was consumed with pain. My first headache as a straight person, I thought I had a fucking brain tumour. I still remember it. My first period, the tenderness of my breasts, I was convinced this was not normal. I must have breast cancer. It was normal lol. To this day if I’m not careful I lean into that hypersensitivity with pain and drug seek to dull it. So if you have chronic pain, that has been investigated and is not something that needs treatment, see a pain clinic. I am still shocked at how much yoga, being a healthy weight, exercise and healthy thoughts has helped. Focusing outside me and what I can do rather than becoming obsessed by me.
And if you’re suicidal. Please make sure it’s what you want. Make sure you tell your loved ones it wasn’t them who caused it. Life isn’t for everyone, but suicide is a long term solution to what might be a short term problem. To this day I wonder. Was it me? Was it because I was born? Was it because I wasn’t good enough? Was it because I’m poison? Even though my logical brain knows it wasn’t me. The damage stays.
That said, as the years click by, I do find a sprinkle more peace. I reconcile the hurt and the anger and heal. Mum was just a girl doing the best with what she had. Just like me. I hope she found the peace in death she could never find in life. I really did love her so much more than I hated her.
To end in a nicey nice. I put my last coat of yacht paint on their stone on Monday. Today on the anniversary I placed her and dad’s headstone. While I feel sad to my core, there is peace, and friends, tonight there will be zooting! Pray for my poor man. Fuck knows what he’s gonna find when he gets in from work! Lolling!
If you are depressed, or have chronic pain, reach out to the professionals. Xo
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And a cheeky humpday update to keep us on topic….
They’ve been absolutely drenched in nit spray. My Blue Sunset Sherbet is riddled with nits. Absolutely riddled.
Thanks for having a look. Thanks to those of you who read my walls of words, and thanks to those who just look at the pictures. You’re fucking awesome. Xo
Short Story: Mum carked it 8 years ago today
Long Story: So most of you know, my mum overdosed and died on an oxy ordine Johnny Walker mix. It could have been deliberate, it could have been accidental. I’ll never know and I’ll spend my life wondering.
So first up. Pain. If you suffer with chronic pain. Oxy is not the drug for you. Morphine/fentanyl are great drugs for short term pain or palliative comfort. The more you focus on pain, the more your brain thinks that is what you want. This in turn makes you hypersensitive to pain. I understand this. I’m an ex heroin addict, hammer is the ultimate pain relief. My first two years clean I was consumed with pain. My first headache as a straight person, I thought I had a fucking brain tumour. I still remember it. My first period, the tenderness of my breasts, I was convinced this was not normal. I must have breast cancer. It was normal lol. To this day if I’m not careful I lean into that hypersensitivity with pain and drug seek to dull it. So if you have chronic pain, that has been investigated and is not something that needs treatment, see a pain clinic. I am still shocked at how much yoga, being a healthy weight, exercise and healthy thoughts has helped. Focusing outside me and what I can do rather than becoming obsessed by me.
And if you’re suicidal. Please make sure it’s what you want. Make sure you tell your loved ones it wasn’t them who caused it. Life isn’t for everyone, but suicide is a long term solution to what might be a short term problem. To this day I wonder. Was it me? Was it because I was born? Was it because I wasn’t good enough? Was it because I’m poison? Even though my logical brain knows it wasn’t me. The damage stays.
That said, as the years click by, I do find a sprinkle more peace. I reconcile the hurt and the anger and heal. Mum was just a girl doing the best with what she had. Just like me. I hope she found the peace in death she could never find in life. I really did love her so much more than I hated her.
To end in a nicey nice. I put my last coat of yacht paint on their stone on Monday. Today on the anniversary I placed her and dad’s headstone. While I feel sad to my core, there is peace, and friends, tonight there will be zooting! Pray for my poor man. Fuck knows what he’s gonna find when he gets in from work! Lolling!
If you are depressed, or have chronic pain, reach out to the professionals. Xo
️️And a cheeky humpday update to keep us on topic….
They’ve been absolutely drenched in nit spray. My Blue Sunset Sherbet is riddled with nits. Absolutely riddled.
Thanks for having a look. Thanks to those of you who read my walls of words, and thanks to those who just look at the pictures. You’re fucking awesome. Xo
