TassieDevil's - Indoor - DIY - Bag Seed - What The Fluxing Learning Curve - Stage 1

Re: TassieDevil's - Indoor - DIY - Bag Seed - What The Fluxing Learning Curve - Stage

My friend, life is a tumbling mess of moments missed for some, for others memories of things wished forgotten get in the way of the present. For me to dwell upon oneself for to long just gets maudlin. Yet I'm not you and haven't walked in your shoes. I can say our upbringing was almost parallel. Similar paths taken with similar dominant figures etc. Your pain and the emptiness you probs feel at times are not your cause.
I after a proper breakdown at 16 learned one simple fact. For right or wrong I'm just a guy trying to find his way! Nothing more or less. Most of what shaped me growing up is not me, nothing close. So my simple choice was to just stop caring! Not in a negative way.. just my thoughts and heart lay with what really is in my control. (Everything nowadays :))
So now I'm the new chap, new to myself with a freedom of just being me, understanding some folks won't like me. That ill still be that awkward kid in the corner with no friends at times! :) yet I'm me, finally not what I've been told to be. Not what is expected, just me :) (hell its daunting lol) but when your heart is good you can in some part trust that all will come good! Hey you found your way here just the same as I :)

Hey much love to you my pal, your family nuff said! :)
 
Re: TassieDevil's - Indoor - DIY - Bag Seed - What The Fluxing Learning Curve - Stage

Beautiful shots of the girls Tassie! I think they are brilliant, whether you think so or not. :blalol:

Why does "Yum Yum" keep running through my head.....
Sugar! Lots of yummy sugar on those buds.
 
Re: TassieDevil's - Indoor - DIY - Bag Seed - What The Fluxing Learning Curve - Stage

Dang writing and missed the updates lol :) they look awesome my friend! :)

Tassie your a little bugger lol. Just know without effort etc your cared about in a most platonic manner lol :)

Now your hairy ass of a donkey? ?? Lol soz :)
 
Re: TassieDevil's - Indoor - DIY - Bag Seed - What The Fluxing Learning Curve - Stage

Yes I wont have anyone saying anything bad about my donkey...even if he is hairy... :rofl:

The evidence I see all the time LA...like always seen and now more so that it didn't and wouldn't have made a difference one way or another to any other human being on the planet...if I did just whatever I wanted to do....and said...to hell with you I'm doing what I want...like you said just said no...don't care...but it would have made a huge difference to me if I had have.

What happens is ...like now, I'll gain independence of thought back again, rebuild, and start to enjoy this whole...life..thing :)....and
then what used to happen is I'd meet a girl...fall in love...she fucks off...I downturn...and then this behaviour all starts up....this isn't the real tassie...all this whinging and whining....I've just convinced myself again that it's all me...and I couldn't do anything about it...


there you go...despite all my best efforts it didn't work...I'm an over achiever....it's all floored me all this ...not finishing the house, not having a good marriage....all this has ended and I just couldn't smart my way out of it...that's it....it's totally bamboozled me...to this morbid suicidal craptitude that Adam becomes...it's a cycle mate...it's the aftermath of another abusive relationship...and the blame I level at myself...for not being smart enough or clever enough to fix it...that's about it.


I'll get there LA...me now is the worst generally over the past 12 months I've ever been...but I'm still here :)

But it isn't me LA...god if you knew ...I just cant work my way out...do I just let go of the house and all that and be done with it...this ultimately is the sticking point now LA...stand and fight...knowing it will be a battle...or just let it go sell it...no more debt to that...move on...

That's what I cant decide. I may have given in on myself previously.,, but if I'm still here, I just cant stand by and sya no, I give...but I can't see any way possible for now, that I can actually make it work....so am I flogging a dead horse mate?



Anyone give me an answer on that...I know you cant n all but geeze I wish you could...

So I had xrays and ultrasounds today...back to hobart and calvery tomorrow for more ultrasounds and a ct scan...on top of ringing up the bank and talking to the hardship department...tomorrow is gunna be fucked...basically... :rofl:

Ok, cool...see this is the real me...I just felt it...tomorrow is gunna be fucked...and I'm actually giggling about it....this is Adam, I fucking having felt me for a while...

I laugh, even when I'm scared...as long as I can poke a little fun a myself...tell the truth...I don't muck about with my feelings...tomorrow is gunna be fucked....but....I just pissed myself again...when it's gunna be fucked...that's when Adam shines...see I get cheeky with the girls..the sonographers, operaters, admin and counter...all....and at the moment...clean shaven and looking...don't kid yourself Adam, you look like shit at the moment...but fuck I'm funny, and naughty...oh yes....then I engage the minds of the docs to give me all the details...I like big words...it fills their ego's a little so they never resist ..ha! :) and then I'll come home and either have a cry or just keep on being me....ha..we will see!


I feel good LA...I need to poke fun at myself...I been seriousing myself out...I never used to...I used to just say it the way I see it...and then do something crazy to shake it all out...


Ha....Adam's coping skills are back temporarily...woohoo...I'm gunna go play guitar for the girls for a bit...oh yes...never told you that...

what a freak :)
 
Re: TassieDevil's - Indoor - DIY - Bag Seed - What The Fluxing Learning Curve - Stage

Cannafan said:
Beautiful shots of the girls Tassie! I think they are brilliant, whether you think so or not. :blalol:

Why does "Yum Yum" keep running through my head.....
Sugar! Lots of yummy sugar on those buds.
Click to expand...

Hey Canna ...ok so do I keep flushing and harvest or feed up...

I saw them tonight...the little buggers...even the damn flushed ones are still putting on height and new growth on all 'tips' ...oh that's right..tops..as you call em...but I cannot wait any ...oh its all too hard..


Too many decisions for Tassie makes tassie...funky...

Anyone? Flush and be done?

or

Feed the greed?
 
Re: TassieDevil's - Indoor - DIY - Bag Seed - What The Fluxing Learning Curve - Stage

Good morning Jaga!

Well, I sorta try. At the moment the hands limit the time I got before I just gotta put it down and walk away.

But...I've manged if I'm very relaxaxed and take litlle breaks..i get a little longer :)

I've been driving half the day n the hands r a little stuffed now anyways..but I give them a lttle song :)

Funny thing I jsut bin over yoru place :)
 
Re: TassieDevil's - Indoor - DIY - Bag Seed - What The Fluxing Learning Curve - Stage

Tassie :high-five: OMM

I'm good mate honest. Glad you're about. R U warm buddy, hope so big hugs to you and yours mate :)
 
Re: TassieDevil's - Indoor - DIY - Bag Seed - What The Fluxing Learning Curve - Stage

Tassie,

There is one part of your dilema that I do understand and want to comment on. The house, the mortgage...the threat of foreclosure.
I'm going through it right now. Every single month recently I have somehow managed to make my 3 month late payment on the very last day possible before foreclosure legally begins. (there is no working with my mortgage company, they are a fly by night outfit and do not care for a second what your troubles are. By the book..all the way)
I've been in my home since 1997, beautiful 30 acres that I have spent many years of blood sweat and tears to maintain and keep despite the hardships.
This year I had to come down to really really think about whether it's worth the stress to stay here. Would it be better to just let it go and start fresh somewhere else? How will I feel in the long term if I walk away from something I've cared so much about and done so much to try to keep? Does it have enough good memories to make it worthwhile to stay? Or are the bad times and hardships more what I think about here?

In my case, it's worth the stay. This place has awarded me the most beautiful memories of my entire life and I just can't give that up. I know that I will never forgive myself if I have to leave here, so I continue to scrape that payment together by selling things and tightening the budget to the extremes. I will catch up soon now that I am back to work.
So my questions to you are, do you have anything in an emotionally positive way that keeps you in the house? Are you going to be better off emotionally and financially to let it go and start fresh along with your start fresh thinking and move forward lifestyle now? Is it going to be more of a hardship on you to try and keep something that really doesn't have an emotionally positive effect on you? The biggest question would be WHY are you keeping it? You have to be honest with yourself there. Hopes and dreams of a reunite, fear of the unknown on moving, future plans of making it YOUR home....etc. etc. Pro's and Con's list always helps me.
Sometimes it is better to leave it behind, but it depends on whether it would be an emotional hardship or a positive new start. There is nothing shameful about foreclosure these days. It's happening everywhere, commonplace. Guilt should not play into the picture on this.
You don't have to answer here on the thread, I'm just trying to give you food for thought.

I hope you get the jest of what I'm trying to convey there.

:circle-of-love:
 
Re: TassieDevil's - Indoor - DIY - Bag Seed - What The Fluxing Learning Curve - Stage

Hey mate, well that's the kick


I guess ultimately all of my finances are tied up in that little block of land and 1/2 finished house...25K to finish and 6 months = 350-400K

Sell now...well we may just pay it out is all. So nothing, start again.

I guess you've just asked me to look beyond that, and consider if it holds greater value than just financial...

I sit again a bit on the fence with that...there's angst..unfinished unbroken unpromises...and also

I've had the odd occasion over the past 3 months...maybe 3 or 4 times to sit in the vege patch...or walk the boundries..or sit on the woodpile and ....just be there.

It is always very ...grounding...I guess...I feel somewhat at ease...at home is something new I've added to the thought...


I've never had a home a family home....so there is a deep longing for that ...grounding....rootedness.


But, ....I no longer have a family in that sense. There isn't the need ...well to some degree...to have a 4 bedroom house...but Lisa's idea is to rent...like again for me, this aint no family situation I wish my kids to be in....again...see this is the other thing...


What i do now, almost well I cant reconcile how much I need to provide for my kids...a stable home and environment....but if that destroys me to do it...well you couldn't think the environment would be all that stable now would you? :)


There's too many ifs and buts for my liking....to much unknown....and too much at stake....


Which is why Adam haults.....I can't make up my mind how much I need to do for myself, what I really want, and well how much my obligation, need to provide for the kids...that modifies everything I want.



For me, the house is at the very least ...financial stability.....IF I CAN PAY FOR IT...IF PHYSICALLY I CAN FINISH IT

For me, the idea of clearing it all out and selling ....is great...woohoo....I'll go on a world holiday and come see you all and ...leave my kids behind? ....I dunno bout that either...


I know it's extremes....but I guess I'm looking at the long term ramifications of either choice.


What I want is in opposition to what I think my kids need. Yep ok, that's another problem that has been susinctly put.
 
Re: TassieDevil's - Indoor - DIY - Bag Seed - What The Fluxing Learning Curve - Stage

Why I sit.

I see both as extremes. I often operate at extremes...and this leads to chaos.

I'm also always hoping for middle ground...this requires some stability of mind and body I guess to stay grounded and not swing.

So I sit, I'm hoping, searching for the path that is the middle ground in all that.....but I dunno now that it exists.


To some degree, perhaps I'm just gunna have to make a decision and run with it, but now, look I'm just now plain scare it's all gunna turn to shit again basically...

Which I why I'm still somewhat hopeful of finding that middle ground that path between all this that does achieve some sense of stability for my family but also for me now some sense of stability in my life...or rather persuit of my life with my kids, rather than i guess be lead or bound to another....its a complex mix of relationship and selfishness...or selfish need or justt plain for once putting myself first....its sorta like that.


OK enough said :)
 
Re: TassieDevil's - Indoor - DIY - Bag Seed - What The Fluxing Learning Curve - Stage

I completely understand Tassie. Love ya....

Hey, on your question of flushing now or not...what do your trichs look like? Lots of amber, a few...or what.

Just curious.

:circle-of-love:
 
Re: TassieDevil's - Indoor - DIY - Bag Seed - What The Fluxing Learning Curve - Stage

Lots of amber...like really the only whites are the very new growth...which the buggers have started up again and making me second guess and think oh no....


The middle ground is I'm gunna keep flushing LL1 ...all the lower stuff isn't coming on....I need meds...the other two I did the first on...well...all the lower stuff looks really good and they could easy fill that out if I start now feeding again...



Whatta ya think?

EDIT: also, if I quick flush...look this is the girl I tore a little bud off accidentally...and it tasted heaps better unflushed uncured than any of the crap I have to pay for....so....I give a little flush...snip the tops off....feed again and let the bottoms go again like Dennise seems to have done...I need to get more info :)
 
Re: TassieDevil's - Indoor - DIY - Bag Seed - What The Fluxing Learning Curve - Stage

Cannafan said:
I completely understand Tassie. Love ya....

Hey, on your question of flushing now or not...what do your trichs look like? Lots of amber, a few...or what.

Just curious.

:circle-of-love:
Click to expand...

I was about to ask that very question. In days before microscopes, we went by the hairs & your's are going to a majority of red. You might be getting pretty close.
Don't forget the flush...
 
Re: TassieDevil's - Indoor - DIY - Bag Seed - What The Fluxing Learning Curve - Stage

Ok, so Canna I'm sorry you're still going through all that. I knew it was happening before...but well had kinda hoped since you were back n all, that that part of your hassles and others were over.

Obviously not. This is my first payment agreement on the mortgage. I have to do it to not pay it so I have petrol for driving to an from the hospital, meds, and food for the week...that was it basically...I didn't have enough, but only didn't have enough because of the past two weeks of hospitol and all that...I had to spend the mortgage on myself...that's it.


So, I have payment agreements with all the other debtors...and they're closing in...by pushing back the mortgage, I can make my payments with the others...keep on living...and hope to have enough sold...earnt....stolen :) (Kidding), or otherwise to pay the mortgage...in 31 days....x 2 payments.....$2170 cheep I know...but - $70 per day plus my living expenses for the next month..................



Possible....but eff me....


I'm ok....this is just reality folks....nothing to see....


whistles....as he sweeps the sidewalk...
 
Re: TassieDevil's - Indoor - DIY - Bag Seed - What The Fluxing Learning Curve - Stage

Canna...I dunno if this means anything to you...but this month I just found a way to get around 200 dollars a month in repayments...for the moment.

The loan currently sits around $165K Principal and Interest monthly repay $1085...cheep like the budgey...canary :)

By switching to Interest only loan...no application fee or switching fees or anything...monthly repay now 835.13c .....so despite I take the 250 principal loss...I ease my monthly expense for the moment by the same amount, which...is big......

dunno if you can do that...maybe with you're fly by nighter...it isnt possible...was a thought :)
 
Re: TassieDevil's - Indoor - DIY - Bag Seed - What The Fluxing Learning Curve - Stage

Hi Tassie :)
 
Re: TassieDevil's - Indoor - DIY - Bag Seed - What The Fluxing Learning Curve - Stage

What that was it...you read all that shit and said hi....fair enough :rofl:

Feeling cheeky mate, so don't take that the wrong way.

Hello and goodmorning Grizzwald old chap :)
 
Re: TassieDevil's - Indoor - DIY - Bag Seed - What The Fluxing Learning Curve - Stage

More than enough wise heads given you good advice, more than I can give... I'm here so you know I'm here... Plus canna and yourself have me and my situation looking in on myself...
 

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